Writing to Exhale

 Today is Mother's Day. And I am a mother.

A mother. Wow. Sometimes that title intimidates me. I am a mother -- responsible for the care and upbringing of two kids. What was Jesus thinking? lol. (kidding)

I'm so thankful for the title of "mom". But, there are times when I wish I didn't have it.

Motherhood is hard enough when there are two parents involved. But, it is super hard when you are doing it alone. 

After our divorce, my ex-husband, sperm donor for our kids, thought it was best for HIM to move back to his home state of Connecticut. It's not like Connecticut is a two hour drive away and I can meet up to drop the kids off for a weekend visit. Connecticut is at the top of the map, while Georgia is at the bottom. He didn't talk to me about the move. He didn't tell me he was doing it -- in case something happened to our kids. He just did it because, as always, he was (and still is) more important than our boys. So, since 2019, he has been living there offering no physical assistance or financial support while I have been living in Georgia handling every single aspect of our sons' lives.

Now, listen, I couldn't imagine still being married to him AND trying to raise whole, happy kids with him. I am thankful that we are no longer together. Frankly, we never should've gotten married in the first place. But, after our divorce, I thought he would shift his focus to taking care of the kids -- like he said he wanted to do. It didn't happen. So, that burden of responsibility has rested on my shoulders since 2018. And, trust me, I'm up for the task.

But, it is so hard.

There are times when I get angry and upset about the situation. I find myself in my feelings, lashing out at what my ex-husband left at my feet to clean up and handle (per usual). 

But, last week, someone quickly reminded me that I wanted the best for my kids and God gave them the best -- ME. Someone else reminded me that my boys are my gift. My therapist has said that being a mother is my calling. And maybe it is. Maybe God has this crazy faith in my ability to truly lean into Him so I can be the mother I need to be for these two little boys. I'm not sure what IT is, but I am doing IT for my sons.

Tuh. My sons. The most amazing beings I know. Strong. Resilient. Smart. Funny. Loving. I don't get it right everyday. But, having them was the BEST gift I've ever been given. 

So, Happy Mother's Day to me. I'm doing this motherhood thang with grace, humility, and a sprinkle of gangster. Life is good.

-- fin