Who Am I?

You know, I've been in such a funk lately that I've forgotten who the fuck I am?

First of all, let me explain something to you ... losing both of my parents and my sister have prepared me to endure any type of hurt. Nothing is worse than losing your entire family ... and for a minute I thought losing this 'dude' was. Hell no it ain't! God will send me the desire of my heart ... and the desire of my heart will NOT put me through ANY type of intentional pain. I am a strong woman and sometimes I fail to realize the TRUTH of my strength ... I've been through worse ... this ain't shit!

Who am I? I am a black woman worthy of some good ass loving ... but it has to start with me. Do I love myself? Without a muhfuckin' doubt! Have I been acking like it lately? Hell no. And I know why. I've been mad at myself. When I should have left well enough alone ... I didn't. I had to go back ... and what for? More hurt ... yup! lol. Seriously ... I'm being real with myself and with y'all. I went back to a destructive situation ... and destructive doesn't always equate to bad ... destructive meaning I KNOW the consequences ... I KNEW what was going to happen. I did it to myself! And for me that's why I'm pissed. He did nothing out of the ordinary ... he was being him ... all in his 'selfish' glory ... and he has every right to be who he is ... and do what he wants. I have to ACCEPT that ... and not be mad about it ... he can't help who he is ... and where he is in his life right now. But you know what? I don't have to deal with that shit ... I don't wait for ANYONE ... I refuse to wait until he gets finished poking his dick up in everybody for him to decide if he wants to settle down with me ... who wants that ... I don't want community dick ... I deserve and demand better ... and if he can't give it to me (not that he doesn't/didn't want to) then dammit I'm gonna get that good ass loving from someplace else.

It's not ME with the issue of uncertainty. I KNOW what I want ... he's still in the land of self-discovery ... I took my final and received my diploma ... hell, he's still in class. And b/c of this revelation ... I HAVE to let go and move the fuck on. And I ain't mad about that. We had some good ass times ... but all good things MUST and DO come to an end.

So who am I? I am a woman who KNOWS what she wants and KNOWS how to get it. For so long, I've put up with bullshit b/c I thought I HAD to. But true love is NOT like this ... it is certain ... it is safe ... it is comforting ... it is truthful. And I didn't have that ... and with him I probably won't ever have it. My dreams of being with him are over ... I WANT to move on and meet the man who will love me like no other ... who will love me just as much as I love myself. I have it going on ... the mere fact that I'm still breathing w/no addictions to alcohol or any drug is a testimony of the goodness of God. I am who am I ... I love who am I ... confrontational, dramatic, silly, loud, ghetto at times ... I love the woman I've grown to be. And NO ONE will EVER make me feel otherwise.

So who am I? I'm a bad muhfucka! And I refuse to think otherwise.