The REAL

As you all know (referencing my previous posts), I've decided to relocate to a different state. And since that post I've been thinking if this is something I really wanna do or if it this is something I want to prove to someone else. Well, y'all, it's time to be really real about the possibility of me moving from my home state of Georgia!

I've been here since ... I don't know ... BIRTH. I've never experienced living in a different state. Sure I lived in Savannah for a few years while I was attending undergraduate school (shouts out to Savannah State) but I've never lived OUTSIDE the lines of GA. I honestly didn't have a desire to move until recently (a few months ago ... actually this time last year). And I've been asking myself why there is this sudden urge and desire to leave a state that has meant so much to me my entire life.

I'm a family oriented type of girl! ANYTIME my family gets together it's b/c I suggested it. I enjoy being with them ... laughing ... eating ... and just acking (acting) a fool. I'm very close to my family b/c they've been my support system when I was trying to get through so many painful things in my life. When my father died, my grandparents, my uncle, and my aunt all attended the service to not only pay their final respects to my father but to be there for me. I wouldn't have been able to survive all the deaths, educational setbacks, and emotional downs if it wasn't for them encouraging me to press on. And knowing that I've decided to move elsewhere ... FAR away from them scares me. I've never known life w/o being around my family. If/when I move, I won't be able to go home every Sunday for my grandma's cooking and our talks on the front porch ... I won't enjoy going out with my aunts and grandma once a month ... I'll miss going to my uncle's house to sit by the pool. I'll miss ALL that. And right now, I'm weighing which is more important in my life and to my future ... moving away (to get the fuck away) or staying here so that I don't miss anything!!

Atlanta is NOT a bad city (for all who've visited ... you know this). But I feel lost in this city. I feel that I will never get what I want out of life by remaining in the great city of Atlanta. It's discouraging here at times. How does true love find you in a city where the women outnumber the men. And I can say all day ... there is quantity but not quality ... but that statement doesn't make me 100% sure that my lifelong mate will find me! The opportunities for advancement are here ... but I'm so tired of what Atlanta has to offer. Sometimes I drive through the city at night with my sunroof back ... enjoying the lights and the sounds of downtown ... and I think 'Wow, I love Atlanta (F.I.L.A. - 'preciate it Lil Scrappy). And other times I HATE leaving my house to venture outside the pearly gates of my apartment complex. I'm back and forth with my feelings for this city. But I'm getting fed up. I feel there is NOTHING here for me anymore ... time to move on. A part of me feels as if I'll be harming myself more by staying here!

To the suggestion I made in the opening of this entry, I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself. And right now I'm trying to evaluate what I'm really trying to attain by moving out of state. Am I running away from something? Someone? Will I be ok w/o my family if I move? Is this what God really has in mind for me? So, right now, I'm taking it ALL in and trying to assess the situation a lil more seriously than what I've been doing. I'd hate to make a mistake ... but life is full of them ... you never learn and grow w/o them.

**NEXT**

I'm not sure if you guys have noticed lately but a part of me is a little unhappy these days. I have tons to be grateful for but there is so much going on. A lot of my friends are either getting married, got married, having a baby, or gave birth! DAYUM! Can a systa get in on the blessings, God? I'm a little 'emotional' when I hear a friend is planning a wedding or having a baby ... but in the back of my mind I believe God has something HUGE in store for my life. I just don't know what it is ... who it's gonna be with ... or when it's gonna happen. I just feel that after I graduate from grad school ... He's going to truly show me what's up. I can't say that I'm not anxious for it to happen ... I am. Yet, I realize that I have some things I need to work on internally. AND ... I need time to do that. These days I feel so removed from the world. I have a 'fuck it' attitude these days ... and that's not me. And maybe that's the problem ... I care too much for people who don't care as much for me. I sometimes find myself giving so much of 'me' in hopes that I'll get the same in return. Yet, I never do. I always end up disappointed. I read in a book that you shouldn't go into a situation with 'expectations' cause you would set yourself up for disappointment. I've tried to adopt that motto but it doesn't always work out that way. I've recently done a fairly great job of just being me and not 'expecting' anything (other than a friendship) from anyone. I'm trying ... lol. It's just gonna take more effort.

Life is SO comical sometimes. Just when you think you know ... Life shows you that you really don't know shit! We're so blinded as we travel down our respective paths ... the only things we have to guide us is God, faith, honesty, and ourselves. Life is SO funny ... but it's SO worth it (at times ... lol).