Is Vivian Green Right?

**Intro: Vivian singing - "Maybe I am foolishly in love with someone that is not exactly on the same page that I am on. Well all my friends keep telling me stop walking 'round so blindly. But when he calls they're not around to ever remind me. Maybe this isn't love, but if it isn't love then really what is love. Maybe I don't need to know whats really love. Cause when he's around he's got me feeling some kinda way**

Damn you, Vivian Green!! She said it the best way ... maybe this isn't love. Well maybe it isn't. And maybe it is. The only thing I'm sure of at this very moment is that I'm confused about my emotions for this man whom I've had an 'association' with for over 2 years. Should love REALLY be this hard?

I knew I loved him the FIRST time we met. I knew it then and I know it now. Yet, it's a bit different now. I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. And that's scary cause I love me some HIM!

He's a great person. Sweet. Funny. Great communicator. Wonderful father. Family person. He's a beautiful person. Don't get it twisted he has his share of 'issues'. And right now I'm trying to decipher if those issues are worth me accepting in order to be with him. He hasn't stepped to me on the 'let's be together' tip ... even after 2 years of association. We have never had a committed relationship ... just months of off and on dating habits. In between that he had relationships with others ... yet not me. And I'm supposed to be the 'IT' girl ... I guess I'm REALLY not. I question that a lot ... especially lately. I'm good enough to date but not good enough to be involved in a serious relationship with. It hurts.

And secretly, I've been kinda 'reserving' myself for him ... in hopes that one day he'll get his act together and make a REAL commitment to me. But my patience is starting to run thin and I'm starting to second guess if this is God's doing. And, unfortunately, I don't see it as clearly as I used to. I used to know w/o a doubt in my heart that he was MY ONE ... that my life was meant to be shared with him. But now I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm trying to force myself to believe something that's no longer there. Or if my 'fear' of not getting what I truly want is driving my emotions of perplexity.

I just recently came back to the world of reality and acknowledged to myself that I'm STILL very much single. I STILL have the option of finding someone who is ready to love me NOW ... ready to commit to me TODAY ... I know in my mind and my heart that I deserve a man who won't let me walk away ... won't let a good thing pass him by ... won't let anything keep him from being with me. I know that some things occur in life that hinder our ability to love and be loved. Unfortunately, I'm not there anymore. I WAS there ... but time and maturity have taught me that I can't live in the fear of not knowing ... I need to know that although it didn't work at least I TRIED.

I told him once and I'll say it again ... there is not a doubt in my mind that tells me he's going to lose me. And it's so unfortunate b/c there is so much love between us. Or maybe like Vivian said ... it isn't really love. And I'm afraid she may be right. 'Cause if it was TRULY love ... it wouldn't be this hard, right?

Stay tuned as the emotions turn ... lol.