I'm Emotional

Over 'Neo'.

I went running this morning and I started thinking about my feelings for him. I started thinking about the past 2 years. I began reflecting on all of our words and our actions. Our kisses. Our hugs. Our laughter. And I realized some things about 'me'.

I despise myself for feeling the way I do for him. I've never fully let down my emotional guard for anyone and I did for him.

**Before I continue, ladies, break out your Kleenex cause it's about to go down**

I knew I was in love the moment I saw him. We went to lunch at this Thai restaurant for our initial meeting and I remember feeling as if I was going to hyperventilate b/c my heart was pounding so hard. I knew it THEN. I knew I had found HIM.

And so for the last 2 years, I've been trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love ... that I wasn't experiencing true love ... that I hadn't found The One ... but all that is bullshit. I've never loved like this ... I've never been able to fully open myself up to someone and be expressive about my feelings ... my emotions. Sure I've dated other men, thought I was in love with others ... but a part of me was always holding something back ... saving something for someone else. And that someone else was 'Neo'. Last year, we decided it would be best if we called it quits for GOOD ... and we did for a few months ... it worked out great. And I even numbed myself to the situation and actually convinced myself that I could do it ... that I could get over him ... that I could move on and find another better than him. What a dummie?! How foolish of me to actually think and believe that I could numb myself to something so powerful, so divine, so driven by God ... as love.

I hate that my heart aches for him. I hate that my soul craves him. I hate that he is the missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle. I hate knowing that he is one of my best friends and I can tell him my most vulnerable secrets. I hate that I am a fool for him. I secretly wish that the strength of this love wasn't so powerful and OBVIOUS! I wish these emotions weren't here ... that way I wouldn't have to experience the pain of not being able to have him b/c he isn't ready for 'us'. How is it that the one you love so much is also the same one who hurts you the most?

I've prayed to God so many times about 'Neo'. And each time I get the same answer ... He is your ONE ... but I need you to give him back to Me so I can finish him for you. And each time He says that ... I let go and give 'Neo' back to Him. And when I think we're over and done ... 'Neo' comes right back to me. They say when you KNOW ... you KNOW ... well I knew 2 years ago ... and I still know today. We've had our share of disagreements, drama, and moments of uncertainty ... but rest assured we always come out of top ... and we always find each other ... no matter how many times we take a break ... no matter what the hell goes on in our lives ... WE ALWAYS FIND EACH OTHER.