Healing an OLD Wound

It's been over a year since he left me. It's been over a year since he packed up his things and drove back to New York without even saying 'goodbye'. It's been over a year since I've been involved in a serious relationship. And I understand why ... I'm not over the way he did me.

I thought I was over the situation but I realized I'm over him but not over the manner in which he ended things. I'm talking about my ex-boyfriend from Long Island, NY. For the past few months, I've been really evil to him ... hanging up on him when he calls, saying I wished he would go to hell, and things of that nature. Well since he found God I find it difficult to cuss him out in the manner I used to. I'm actually nice to him these days. Saturday he called me and asked me to come see him. I was already in the area and said what the hell ... I'm over him ... I don't want his sorry ass back ... I can just go so see how he is. And I saw him. My heart didn't skip a beat or anything. I didn't feel bad about not being with him anymore. I'm truly over him. We initially chatted about trivial stuff and then we got down to it. We talked about the past and why things fell apart. He said he wasn't ready for me ... that he needed to be on his own ... have something to bring to the table ... in other words I was intimidating to him. Which I could understand ... I get that a lot from some men who aren't secure in their own skin. Then we started talking about how I felt ... how I internalized him leaving as my fault ... how it's hard for me to fully open up to another man ... how it felt to see his stuff gone. And I then realized that while I had been praying to God for a man, for my lifelong partner ... He wasn't going to give me the man I'm supposed to be with ... b/c I'm still healing from the hurt of my 'ex'. God knows how I feel about relationships and He knows I want a meaningful one and I wouldn't want to put my man in a situation to where I couldn't love him and show him I loved him 100%. The ending of my relationship with my 'ex' made me insecure about me ... made me second guess myself ... despite all the confidence I exude ... there is still a part of me that feels that I don't deserve 'true' love. For nights after my 'ex' left I cried myself to sleep ... I became heavily depressed ... I gained weight ... lost focus in school ... and was heavily in debt. My life was unraveling before me. Yet I gained control by not acknowledging the pain and hurt but by throwing myself into everything else in my life that needed to be fixed ... school, work, bills. I was dealing with everyone else's problems but my own. And even after he re-appeared after six months of being gone and him admitting it was him and not me ... I still blamed myself for the demise of the relationship to a certain degree. Then I saw him Saturday and I finally acknowledged to myself that I wasn't over the situation ... I wasn't over the hurt and the rejection I felt when he walked out on me ... it reminded me so much of my parents when they left me as a little girl. I felt so unwanted ... so unloved. And I never want to feel that again. To ensure that I don't experience that pain again I keep men at a distance from me ... I try not to fall too deep in my emotions and I pull back when I sense that I am.

It's so funny how I thought I had my shit together ... how I thought I was the one ready for a relationship and couldn't find someone who was ready for me. But the truth of the matter is ... I have internal issues that I need to resolve before I can commit to anyone. I would never WANT to hurt anybody ... but to protect myself I probably would. And I want to be able to love my man with no reservation ... just all of me. Until I get over the past and let my emotional wound heal ... I won't be able to do so. I still have some healing to do. And I don't know how long I'll have to leave the bandages on. I just pray that I make a full recovery ... once and for all.