No More Emotional Rollercoaster

Aight, I think I'm gonna discontinue 'The Emotional Rollercoaster' and 'move' to a different location. I'm only gonna let a select few know where my new home is ... shoot me an email (tlw212001@hotmail.com) and I'll let you know the location ... but it's a secret ... lol ... don't be telling everybody.

You can also leave your email address in the comments section and I'll respond accordingly. The countdown is NOW in effect ... Friday will be the last day of 'The Emotional Rollercoaster' ... get your ride on before it's over (that sounded so ... CORNY).

Shawty!!

Ok ... the weekend was nice!! Especially Friday.

I call myself going to The Compound Friday. Me and this chick got there around a time I thought would be good ... you know ... not a long line ... all that good crap. Well I was WRONG ... that muhfucka was wrapped around the corner! What?! Ok ... I was like hell n'all. But we stood in line ... it didn't take us long to get to the front. Before I knew it ... we were inside. And man! I had a ball. I was on the dance floor at least 3 out of the 4 hours we were there. I had a good ass time ... shaking my ass. And THEN they had the audacity to play 'Scrub the Ground' ... your girl went CRAZY! By the time I left the dance floor and ultimately the club my hair that was slicked back initially was in a big POOF!! lol. I was sorta kinda still cute though. Oh yeah, while I was there I ran into this guy I used to date a while ago. He was shocked when he saw me ... like oh, shit, you look good! WTF was I before, negro! He looked great as well ... his locks have gotten longer. We exchanged numbers and promised we'd link up ... he's cool ... I ain't looking for shit ... a free meal ... a top shelf margarita ... nothing permanent.

Saturday ... I was LAME ... lol. I slept a majority of the day. I woke up ... showered ... got dressed and went and met up with Saga and Diggs. Ok ... they are FUNNY to me. It was nice meeting y'all by the way. We linked up for a spell ... then we went our separate ways. I went home and went to sleep ... I was STILL tired.

Sunday ... I was determined to go SOMEWHERE despite the rain. So I set my sights on going to the ESPN Zone to watch the Heat kick the Pistons' ass. Needless to say the atmosphere was crazy! I was probably only 1 out of 3 people who were rooting for the Heat ... EVERYBODY else was going for Detroit! How happy I felt when we won ... shouts out to 'Flash'.

Monday ... I went to the gym ... I HATE going to the gym over off of Northlake Pkwy ... it's ALWAYS crowded ... but your girl got her workout on. Then I came home ... only to have a sore throat and a slight cough. Now a nucca is sick!! My days off from work are NOT meant to be spent like this!

Overall, the weekend was cool! I had fun ... I got out ... released some stress ... met some great peoples ... and relaxed. It was cool. It made me smile ...

Who Am I?

You know, I've been in such a funk lately that I've forgotten who the fuck I am?

First of all, let me explain something to you ... losing both of my parents and my sister have prepared me to endure any type of hurt. Nothing is worse than losing your entire family ... and for a minute I thought losing this 'dude' was. Hell no it ain't! God will send me the desire of my heart ... and the desire of my heart will NOT put me through ANY type of intentional pain. I am a strong woman and sometimes I fail to realize the TRUTH of my strength ... I've been through worse ... this ain't shit!

Who am I? I am a black woman worthy of some good ass loving ... but it has to start with me. Do I love myself? Without a muhfuckin' doubt! Have I been acking like it lately? Hell no. And I know why. I've been mad at myself. When I should have left well enough alone ... I didn't. I had to go back ... and what for? More hurt ... yup! lol. Seriously ... I'm being real with myself and with y'all. I went back to a destructive situation ... and destructive doesn't always equate to bad ... destructive meaning I KNOW the consequences ... I KNEW what was going to happen. I did it to myself! And for me that's why I'm pissed. He did nothing out of the ordinary ... he was being him ... all in his 'selfish' glory ... and he has every right to be who he is ... and do what he wants. I have to ACCEPT that ... and not be mad about it ... he can't help who he is ... and where he is in his life right now. But you know what? I don't have to deal with that shit ... I don't wait for ANYONE ... I refuse to wait until he gets finished poking his dick up in everybody for him to decide if he wants to settle down with me ... who wants that ... I don't want community dick ... I deserve and demand better ... and if he can't give it to me (not that he doesn't/didn't want to) then dammit I'm gonna get that good ass loving from someplace else.

It's not ME with the issue of uncertainty. I KNOW what I want ... he's still in the land of self-discovery ... I took my final and received my diploma ... hell, he's still in class. And b/c of this revelation ... I HAVE to let go and move the fuck on. And I ain't mad about that. We had some good ass times ... but all good things MUST and DO come to an end.

So who am I? I am a woman who KNOWS what she wants and KNOWS how to get it. For so long, I've put up with bullshit b/c I thought I HAD to. But true love is NOT like this ... it is certain ... it is safe ... it is comforting ... it is truthful. And I didn't have that ... and with him I probably won't ever have it. My dreams of being with him are over ... I WANT to move on and meet the man who will love me like no other ... who will love me just as much as I love myself. I have it going on ... the mere fact that I'm still breathing w/no addictions to alcohol or any drug is a testimony of the goodness of God. I am who am I ... I love who am I ... confrontational, dramatic, silly, loud, ghetto at times ... I love the woman I've grown to be. And NO ONE will EVER make me feel otherwise.

So who am I? I'm a bad muhfucka! And I refuse to think otherwise.

**Sigh**

I've come to the realization that I don't want a relationship anymore. I don't have the energy, the patience, or the desire to meet someone new ... get to know them ... let them get to me ... and all that other preliminary 'let's get to know each other' bullshit. I don't want to do that. I guess my past experiences have done a number on me ... and I'm not REALLY open to developing anything with anyone anymore. If a relationship happens to me, it will be by God's doing and not by my own. Right now ... I'm chillin' ... I'm tired of focusing on the relationship I don't have or what I thought me and 'Neo' had ... I'm just tired of the bullshit. I'm not fed up with love ... I'm just taking a pause in my life and enjoying the shit I have ... good friends, a decent job and all that other stuff. Don't get it twisted ... I'm still gonna date ... but I'm letting dudes know up front ... don't be expecting anything from this date ... I don't want a relationship and I'm not in the business of allowing people to know 'me' right now. Who knows what will happen? I'm tired of worrying about the possibility. I'm living for today.

I'm So FLY ...

**Singing the Lloyd Banks song**

Aight, so your girl has been in a temporary state of depression. But when I say I am resilient and I bounce back ... trust that shit!! lol.

Today is Friday ... it was a ROUGH week ... but a week that needed to happen for obvious reasons. But today is FRIDAY ... Memorial Day weekend ... and I have about 5 days off from the job ... and while I don't have any concrete plans established ... I know that the weekend and my days off are going to be WONDERFUL.

I cried a lot this week ... but after the rain the sun truly does come out. I'm gonna take each day one step at a time ... and enjoy what may be my last summer in the 'A'.

Your girl is hitting the party scene something SERIOUS this weekend. I don't go to the club to meet dudes ... I go to dance and enjoy the atmosphere. I'm SO looking forward to getting out this weekend and doing stuff ... ALONE.

My grandma always told me ... once a door is closed ... leave it that way. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Life is too damn short to worry about the trivial bullshit. I know who I am and what I want ... and I ain't ashamed of that shit. I'm so muhfuckin' fly ... and that shit will be evident this weekend.

Enjoy your holiday festivities and be safe! Holla!!

You Asked ... And Now I'm TELLING

Aight ... before my list gets any longer I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that have already been posed. Now if other questions are asked AFTER the fact ... I MIGHT answer ... I'll have to think long and hard though ... lol.

**Here we go**

Kae-Z asked:

1) What is the shortest amt of time you've known someone before sleepin' with them?
The shortest amount of time ... sheesh! lol. Let me think ... I know I had days to prepare but damn ... lol. Ok ... probably occurred last year with R.A.W. I think we had known each other maybe ... 2 or 3 days. I gave it up on the first night!! lol. And the following morning ... and that afternoon ... it was a great first weekend experience.

2)Do you sh*t with the bathroom door closed even if you're the only one in the house?
HELL NO! I pay the rent up in that joint! Sure do leave the door WIDE open ... and I make sure I angle myself just right so I can see the t.v. too.

3)IF God would grant you permission to listen to one song while you're in heaven what would it be?
If God granted me permission to listen to one song while I was in heaven ... it would be ... "Someday We'll All Be Free" by Donny Hathaway.

"B" asked:

1) If God granted you three wishes, what would you wish for?
If God granted me three wishes I'd wish: 1.) for my immediate family (dad, mom, and sis) back with good health; 2.) for Him to give me inner peace, happiness and understanding; 3.) a family of my own

2) Do you think sex is just a physical activity, or an emotional bond between two people?
Nope. I used to think that ... when I was young and didn't know any better. But sex is an emotional bond ... a connecting of spirits between two people. It's your golden opportunity to sexually show your true love and emotions for the one you're with. There are physical aspects of course. But for the most part ... sex is mostly mental.

3) Do you believe in ghosts? lol!
I believe in spirits but not ghosts.

Cultstatus asked:

1.) When's the last time you had a real fist fight? Explain.
The last time I had a real fist fight was a few years back with my dad's daughter. She's a BIG girl ... I mean ... BIG. And I'm all of 5'5" ... probably not even half her weight. Well we were at my dad's mom house one night chillin ... my paternal grandparents, my cousin, and that bitch. So we're sitting there and she says some shit to me ... which is typical cause we are COMPLETE opposites ... I'm what she deems as a 'pretty girl' (you know the chick that refuses to get her nails dirty) ... and I deem her as a 'butch' lesbian ... so she's hardcore. Anyway! As usual, I try and ignore her and she keeps fucking with me. So she stood up and so did I. She's in my face poppin' shit and I ain't saying nuffin. So I take off my Nike flip flop and slap that bitch in the face as hard as I could with it. She turned back and then I punched her in the same spot I slapped her with the flip flop. And it was on from there. She threw me on the couch and tried to get me. But I flipped her off of me on the floor ... I landed on top of her ... I pinned her down and went to work. My cousin had to pull me off of her. It's amazing the strength you develop when you're pissed.

2.)What's the honest basis of your mood today?
The basis of my mood yesterday ... I hate fickle people. I hate loving fickle people I should say. B/c their fickleness affects my moods and my emotions. I don't know. I'm just tired of dealing with back and forth. It's one way or the other with me. Make up your fucking mind ... lol. Sorry!

3.) Describe an ideal first date (nigga!).
An ideal first date? I don't see not nan question mark there. But I will appease this query. An ideal first date ... food, drinks, laughter, great conversation in a location that's FAR AWAY from here. Take me to a beach ... break out a blanket and a picnic basket ... let the summer sun beat down on my sunscreen based skin (have to be skin cancer conscious) ... feed me grapes ... let's lay there and talk over wine ... shots of tequila ... margaritas. Let's eat exotic fruit ... assorted meats (turkey and chicken though) ... cheese ... crackers. Let me get to know you and vice versa. Massage my back ... rest your head on my hip while I'm leaning on my side. And then out of NO WHERE ... let's take all of our clothes off and run into the ocean ... can you imagine the looks we would get? lol.

Saga asked: (and I shouldn't even put these joints up here)

1) Is this a good question?
No. "Is this a good question" ... can I bust your head to the white meat? Is that a good question!!

2) If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
Saga! Don't give me questions like this! Let me think ... I'd have two crumbs ... dunno.

3) Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
I concur. I hate waiting. That's my damn problem. I can't wait on you to finish flirting with the world and after 5 years decide you want me. Nope! I ain't go be able to do it! lol. It's like telling me ... I love you, I like you ... BUT there may be someone BETTER than you out there ... and I need to see. WTF! LOL.

Lawda asked: (I'm gonna answer your 4 questions ... I said 3 ... you making up your own quota and shit)

1. If u could spend the day with a male/female blogger that u know or don't know, who would u choose and why?
I would choose most of the female bloggers ... you, Nikki, Shana, Wise Diva, NeoDes (I know I'm forgetting some ... don't beat me up y'all). And I would want to b/c I see so much of myself in y'all. There is a commonality among all of us and I believe we can learn from each other's mistakes, triumphs, and experiences. Sorry, guys!

2. U mentioned that u could never "swallow." Would u reconsider during a freaky night with your husband or someone u knew was "The One"?
For my husband, there isn't too much I wouldn't do ... sexually. So, yeah, I would swallow. But not now!! Oh, hell no!! There are DISEASES and AIDS out there ... I gotta protect myself! lol. But yup if was a night where the mood was right ... there was enough weed and alcohol in my system ... and that's my husband ... girl, I would definitely serve him and enjoy it!

2. How many times have u been in love and which qualities about these lovers made u fall in love?
I've been in love ... twice ... that I KNOW for sure I was in love. My first love ... and my second love. My first love showed me the meaning of 'pure' love. It was the first time I had ever experienced a relationship and experienced love. He treated me so good ... so sweet. We were more mature than what we thought. He put no one before me ... he put me on a pedestal. And he respected me ... he challenged me to do great things in life. And when my sister died ... he woke up out of his sleep around 6 a.m. or so to comfort me ... and later that day my mom's boyfriend at the time dropped me off at his house ... I remember walking in and his boys were there. No one said anything to me ... and Corey (my first love) was sitting in a recliner next to the door ... he pulled me into his lap and motioned for the guys to leave. For hours I cried ... and he just held me ... and I happened to look at him and he was crying ... he said he hated to see me hurting ... he laid with me until I fell asleep. He woke me up by kissing me on my forehead ... he said he stayed by my side watching me sleep ... just in case I woke up and needed him ... he would be right there. I loved him ... he was good to me. My second love (or Neo) ... what can I say? He drives me crazy ... he makes me mad ... he makes me cry ... he puzzles me ... but I love him. I love him b/c he lets me know that it's ok to be 'ME' ... that I don't owe anything to anyone except myself ... that love is patient and takes time to perfect ... he showed me how to let go of past hurts ... and live and love again. I don't think I've ever cried over someone as much as I've cried over him. He taught me not to judge someone by society's standards ... but by what's in my heart. I have to stop here, Lawda.

3. What do u suppose would make the ingredients for a successful marriage?
A successful marriage ... COMMUNICATION ... you can't do shit w/o talking. INDIVIDUALITY ... there IS life outside of marriage and I don't want my husband to feel as if we're 'IT' ... I want him to go out with his friends at times ... I want him to still be able to be him and my husband as well. HONESTY ... 'cause if I'm trusting him to go out with his trifling friends (lol) I need for him to be honest with me ... honest about his feelings. TRUST ... I need to be able to trust him w/o a doubt ... 100% I know he ain't doing inappropriate shit. FUN ... I'm stoopid as hell ... I need someone who is just as crazy as me ... lol. Humor and fun make the marriage work ... I know we get all weighed down with life's problems ... but having someone to laugh at the fucked up shit makes life worth living ... lol. Seriously ... laughter is the BEST medicine. FAITHFULNESS ... I need a ride or die dude ... cause fa sho he has a chick that will remain faithful to him and the marriage ... NO MATTER WHAT ...faithfulness lies in our ability to remain committed to the marriage ... and committed to having each other's backs. GOOD SEX ... I'm a Scorpio and I enjoy having sex ... and I would be a MISERABLE wife if my sex life sucked ... and he would be a MISERABLE husband cause I wouldn't want to give him any. NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCES ... it's just me and him (and our kids) ... there is NO reason why my family should have a voice in the decisions that are being made in my household ... when we join as man and wife ... we separate from our families to develop our own ... it's all about us and no one else! PRAYER ... God has to be an intricate part of the union.

Neenalove asked:

1. What are three songs that describe your current love life?
That's easy ... lol. "Emotional Rollercoaster" by Vivian Green; "I'm Done" by Tweet; "Be Happy" by Mary J. Blige

2. Can you enjoy sex WITHOUT being in love?
I CAN ... but it's not as fun and romantic. Probably not ... I would be holding back sexually ... I wouldn't be able to perform certain sexual things w/someone I wasn't in love with and enjoy it!

3. Describe the perfect 24 hour day, if money were no object?
Perfect 24 hour day ... giving my grandmother EVERYTHING she's ever wanted.

Dakelzz asked:

1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I would live in Paris, France. I've ALWAYS wanted to live there. When I was a young girl, I had dreams of writing my novels while sitting in a windowsill with the Eiffel Tower right outside my window.

2. If you knew you only had 24 hours to live, what would you consider priorities to have done before you die?
I would tell everyone that I loved ... that I loved them. I would make it a priority to visit them all ... kiss them ... hug them ... and tell them 'I love you'

3. If you had to choose one which would it be, the red or the blue pill?
Which one is which? lol. The red one!

I'm Emotional

Over 'Neo'.

I went running this morning and I started thinking about my feelings for him. I started thinking about the past 2 years. I began reflecting on all of our words and our actions. Our kisses. Our hugs. Our laughter. And I realized some things about 'me'.

I despise myself for feeling the way I do for him. I've never fully let down my emotional guard for anyone and I did for him.

**Before I continue, ladies, break out your Kleenex cause it's about to go down**

I knew I was in love the moment I saw him. We went to lunch at this Thai restaurant for our initial meeting and I remember feeling as if I was going to hyperventilate b/c my heart was pounding so hard. I knew it THEN. I knew I had found HIM.

And so for the last 2 years, I've been trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love ... that I wasn't experiencing true love ... that I hadn't found The One ... but all that is bullshit. I've never loved like this ... I've never been able to fully open myself up to someone and be expressive about my feelings ... my emotions. Sure I've dated other men, thought I was in love with others ... but a part of me was always holding something back ... saving something for someone else. And that someone else was 'Neo'. Last year, we decided it would be best if we called it quits for GOOD ... and we did for a few months ... it worked out great. And I even numbed myself to the situation and actually convinced myself that I could do it ... that I could get over him ... that I could move on and find another better than him. What a dummie?! How foolish of me to actually think and believe that I could numb myself to something so powerful, so divine, so driven by God ... as love.

I hate that my heart aches for him. I hate that my soul craves him. I hate that he is the missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle. I hate knowing that he is one of my best friends and I can tell him my most vulnerable secrets. I hate that I am a fool for him. I secretly wish that the strength of this love wasn't so powerful and OBVIOUS! I wish these emotions weren't here ... that way I wouldn't have to experience the pain of not being able to have him b/c he isn't ready for 'us'. How is it that the one you love so much is also the same one who hurts you the most?

I've prayed to God so many times about 'Neo'. And each time I get the same answer ... He is your ONE ... but I need you to give him back to Me so I can finish him for you. And each time He says that ... I let go and give 'Neo' back to Him. And when I think we're over and done ... 'Neo' comes right back to me. They say when you KNOW ... you KNOW ... well I knew 2 years ago ... and I still know today. We've had our share of disagreements, drama, and moments of uncertainty ... but rest assured we always come out of top ... and we always find each other ... no matter how many times we take a break ... no matter what the hell goes on in our lives ... WE ALWAYS FIND EACH OTHER.

R.A.W.

The initials of a man I once dated. I wanted to use the name I gave him but he put his own shit on blast by putting the nickname in an entry of his. He too has a blog and actually introduced me to the world of blogging. I used to write a lot about him ... mostly evil and hurtful things about how I regretted meeting him and things of that nature. Since those posts I've gotten over my 'feelings' for him and developed a liking for him that rest along the lines of friendship. He's cool as hell ... NOW! lol.

I think we met at the wrong time. He had just ended a relationship with his 'ex' and I had done the same with mine. Ironically, our previous mates left us in the exact same fashion ... they just up and moved their shit out of our places. We had THAT common. Not to mention ... both of our mothers had passed from diseases and we shared the same interests. We should have taken our time getting to know each other ... but we didn't (I am the Queen of Rushing). We rushed! But it was GREAT ... at first anyway. During the time we dated, we had great moments and we had bad moments ... I guess that's what you get when you expedite a situation. To make a long story short, we ended up going our separate ways after a brief courtship. And at first, I have to admit that I despised him ... he hurt me ... with his sarcastic words and his ability to demean me w/o me picking up on it at first (I know I'm S-L-O-W). But I came to realize that he was only telling me the truth about myself and I didn't want to hear it.

Despite our verbal attacks on each other ('cause you know your girl can spit verbal venom ... I can make a person cringe with my words), I look back on things and realize he wasn't THAT bad to me. I remember one day I had caught a flat tire on my way home. I made it to my apartment complex and called him to tell him. Now, he lives in Clayton County and I reside in Gwinnett ... people who live in the 'A' KNOW these counties are not even CLOSE to each other. But he stopped what he was doing and drove to Jimmy Carter Blvd. to pick me up from Pep Boys (only after I flirted hard enough to get my tired fixed for free), take me home, and put the tire on for me. I also recall me, him, and my lil cousin going shopping one day. There was this book I REALLY wanted and found and purchased at Barnes and Noble (which was our spot ... as long as there was a Starbucks inside ... we used to go on Friday nights and read magazines while sipping our frappucinos). As we were piling in my car to go to the next mall, I left the book on top of the car! When we got to our next spot, I was so irritated at myself for doing something so stupid ... I was not in a good mood ... and he knew it. We walked into the mall and immediately had an argument. He went his way and we went ours. About an hour later, I called his cell to tell him where we were ... he walked into the Adidas store with his hands behind his back. I was like WTF is going on. He pulled a bag from behind his back and handed it to me. I said 'What is this'. And he replied (and I'll never forget) 'Something to make you smile since you're having a bad day'. Inside the bag was a statue of a man and woman whose bodies were embraced in the shape of a heart ... I STILL have it! There are so many wonderful memories I have of him ... us playing basketball late at night (him losing), him getting up early on a Saturday morning to help me move, him getting out of his bed to drive me to Krystal's for some chili cheese fries, him dropping me off and picking me up from the airport (he waited on me both times) or just me and him walking the dog late at night.

I think back on these memories and realize I had a dude down for ME. It's easy to find a ride or die chick but it's hard finding a man who has your back and keeps his word about it. And R.A.W. did just that. I KNEW I could depend on him even when he acted like I couldn't. And that's what I appreciated the most about our 'relationship'. Yes, we laughed at the same things ... he opened my eyes to new experiences ... and being with him helped me to learn more about me. I enjoyed his perfect imperfections ... even his faults were attractive. But as fate would have it we didn't work out as a couple ... but we managed to get past the 'ills' and have developed a friendship. I know you're reading this (PW) ... thank you for everything. You have NO idea how being with you has helped my personal growth. I love you, man!

Vent Session

Not really ... got some things going on ... need to jot 'em down.

• The other night (Sunday night) I dreamed of my mother. My sister was in the dream too. It's not a dream to really analyze until you realize that my sister and my mother are deceased.

• People are responding to my resume and I love it! However these are for positions in the Atlanta area ... what is God trying to tell me about moving?

• My cousin graduated high school Saturday ... it was bittersweet ... almost like watching my baby sister take that walk across the stage ... she (my sister) died on her birthday at the age of 8 ... she never saw a day as beautiful as high school graduation. I cried Saturday thinking of her and what it would have been like to see her waltz across the stage ... basking in the happiness of her achievement.

• The more I come to this place of employment ... the more depressed I become.

• I can control no one's actions but my own. I can't persuade people to love me ... and why would I? I'm a lovable type of a woman and if someone doesn't want to love me ... it's their loss ... sorry for ya.

• I've created an iron wall around my heart ... I'm not as open as I was ... I don't know what the problem is ... but I'm tired of being hurt by the ones I love the most ... maybe I should cease loving.

• When I think about it ... being single isn't so bad ... at least I don't have to worry about being hurt by anyone other than me ... and why would I hurt myself.

• I wish I would have left the door closed.

• I hate the new Old Navy commercials ... I haven't been in Old Navy since they started running that crap.

• I HATE Pitbull's song 'Toma' ... it's stoopid.

• I haven't been sleeping well lately.

• People say I remind them of Nia Long, Lauren Hill, and/or Angela Bassett ... am I THAT cute?

• I'm going to Six Flags Tuesday ... ALONE.

• Sometimes I despise myself for giving love.

• My mom moved from Cartersville b/c she said she couldn't live in the same town as my father ... she loved him that much ... is that WHY I want to move so badly?

He Loves Me ... He Loves Me Not

I'm sitting here on my couch on a Sunday afternoon listening to Bilal's "Soul Sista" thinking about my supposed to be soulmate ... Neo. I know I wrote in a previous entry that we were cool and things were fine ... but y'all I'm not sure if that's the REAL case with us.

I don't know what transpired between our last real conversation on Mother's Day but we haven't really been the same since. Now I could probably attribute some of this to recent updates in his life ... but a part of me feels in my heart that it has to do with us.

Things are so weird with us now ... so distant ... so uncomfortable ... so pressured. We're not really talking these days. When we first linked back up, we talked daily ... either phone or email or both. But now if I can get a 'good morning' email from him I'm good. I know Neo ... and I know he gets to a point in his life where he needs to take a break from life but he's always been able to communicate this to me. Yet he has said nothing verbally and has allowed all of his actions to do the talking. He told me that feelings haven't changed but I wish I could say with 100% conviction that I believe him. But I don't. Which makes me wonder if he still loves me ... if he still sees me in his future like he once did ... if I'm still HIS one. My friends tell me that a man who really wanted me in his future wouldn't act this way toward me. And I believe that. But I hope Neo proves me wrong.

We've always moved to the same rhythm ... our souls have always connected ... but now we're off. We've NEVER been off. But now my soul feels so disconnected from his. The love I knew without a doubt he had for me seems to have vanished. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know if they'll ever be a Trinity and Neo anymore. It feels as if he's withdrawn himself from my world ... and I don't know why ... again, anytime we've ever needed a break from each other ... we've always communicated that. And now we're not even saying words to each other.

I don't mind giving him space if he needs it ... hell we all need moments to ourselves. But he and I have always had a way of talking to each other ... in blunt and certain terms. And I think that hurts the most ... knowing that he has closed himself off and he's not even talking to me about ANYTHING. Does he still love me y'all? Am I being paranoid?

And another thing: In my post Healing an OLD Wound, I referred to feeling as if I caused the relationship with my ex-boyfriend to end ... I DON 'T anymore. I was good to that man ... he screwed that shit up ... lol. That's it!

Tag ... I'm IT!

Well since Nikki wanna ack all stank and tag me I have no other choice but to list my top 10 FAVORITE things ...

1. My granny
2. Shopping on Saturdays at the outlets
3. Getting dressed up to go out
4. Dolce and Gabana's 'Light Blue'
5. Laughing hysterically (at Martin, Cedric, Monique)
6. Hot wings from JR Crickets with blue cheese and french fries
7. Long, passionate kisses (of course, from someone who can actually kiss)
8. Riding in my car listening to Vivian, Anthony, John, Bilal, Jill, Floetry, or Jaquar Wright
9. The color of my skin
10. Seeing myself smile

Now, the finale, I'm tagging ... Shana, Lawda, and Blogger #031905.

Holla back, y'all!

The REAL

As you all know (referencing my previous posts), I've decided to relocate to a different state. And since that post I've been thinking if this is something I really wanna do or if it this is something I want to prove to someone else. Well, y'all, it's time to be really real about the possibility of me moving from my home state of Georgia!

I've been here since ... I don't know ... BIRTH. I've never experienced living in a different state. Sure I lived in Savannah for a few years while I was attending undergraduate school (shouts out to Savannah State) but I've never lived OUTSIDE the lines of GA. I honestly didn't have a desire to move until recently (a few months ago ... actually this time last year). And I've been asking myself why there is this sudden urge and desire to leave a state that has meant so much to me my entire life.

I'm a family oriented type of girl! ANYTIME my family gets together it's b/c I suggested it. I enjoy being with them ... laughing ... eating ... and just acking (acting) a fool. I'm very close to my family b/c they've been my support system when I was trying to get through so many painful things in my life. When my father died, my grandparents, my uncle, and my aunt all attended the service to not only pay their final respects to my father but to be there for me. I wouldn't have been able to survive all the deaths, educational setbacks, and emotional downs if it wasn't for them encouraging me to press on. And knowing that I've decided to move elsewhere ... FAR away from them scares me. I've never known life w/o being around my family. If/when I move, I won't be able to go home every Sunday for my grandma's cooking and our talks on the front porch ... I won't enjoy going out with my aunts and grandma once a month ... I'll miss going to my uncle's house to sit by the pool. I'll miss ALL that. And right now, I'm weighing which is more important in my life and to my future ... moving away (to get the fuck away) or staying here so that I don't miss anything!!

Atlanta is NOT a bad city (for all who've visited ... you know this). But I feel lost in this city. I feel that I will never get what I want out of life by remaining in the great city of Atlanta. It's discouraging here at times. How does true love find you in a city where the women outnumber the men. And I can say all day ... there is quantity but not quality ... but that statement doesn't make me 100% sure that my lifelong mate will find me! The opportunities for advancement are here ... but I'm so tired of what Atlanta has to offer. Sometimes I drive through the city at night with my sunroof back ... enjoying the lights and the sounds of downtown ... and I think 'Wow, I love Atlanta (F.I.L.A. - 'preciate it Lil Scrappy). And other times I HATE leaving my house to venture outside the pearly gates of my apartment complex. I'm back and forth with my feelings for this city. But I'm getting fed up. I feel there is NOTHING here for me anymore ... time to move on. A part of me feels as if I'll be harming myself more by staying here!

To the suggestion I made in the opening of this entry, I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself. And right now I'm trying to evaluate what I'm really trying to attain by moving out of state. Am I running away from something? Someone? Will I be ok w/o my family if I move? Is this what God really has in mind for me? So, right now, I'm taking it ALL in and trying to assess the situation a lil more seriously than what I've been doing. I'd hate to make a mistake ... but life is full of them ... you never learn and grow w/o them.

**NEXT**

I'm not sure if you guys have noticed lately but a part of me is a little unhappy these days. I have tons to be grateful for but there is so much going on. A lot of my friends are either getting married, got married, having a baby, or gave birth! DAYUM! Can a systa get in on the blessings, God? I'm a little 'emotional' when I hear a friend is planning a wedding or having a baby ... but in the back of my mind I believe God has something HUGE in store for my life. I just don't know what it is ... who it's gonna be with ... or when it's gonna happen. I just feel that after I graduate from grad school ... He's going to truly show me what's up. I can't say that I'm not anxious for it to happen ... I am. Yet, I realize that I have some things I need to work on internally. AND ... I need time to do that. These days I feel so removed from the world. I have a 'fuck it' attitude these days ... and that's not me. And maybe that's the problem ... I care too much for people who don't care as much for me. I sometimes find myself giving so much of 'me' in hopes that I'll get the same in return. Yet, I never do. I always end up disappointed. I read in a book that you shouldn't go into a situation with 'expectations' cause you would set yourself up for disappointment. I've tried to adopt that motto but it doesn't always work out that way. I've recently done a fairly great job of just being me and not 'expecting' anything (other than a friendship) from anyone. I'm trying ... lol. It's just gonna take more effort.

Life is SO comical sometimes. Just when you think you know ... Life shows you that you really don't know shit! We're so blinded as we travel down our respective paths ... the only things we have to guide us is God, faith, honesty, and ourselves. Life is SO funny ... but it's SO worth it (at times ... lol).

Healing an OLD Wound

It's been over a year since he left me. It's been over a year since he packed up his things and drove back to New York without even saying 'goodbye'. It's been over a year since I've been involved in a serious relationship. And I understand why ... I'm not over the way he did me.

I thought I was over the situation but I realized I'm over him but not over the manner in which he ended things. I'm talking about my ex-boyfriend from Long Island, NY. For the past few months, I've been really evil to him ... hanging up on him when he calls, saying I wished he would go to hell, and things of that nature. Well since he found God I find it difficult to cuss him out in the manner I used to. I'm actually nice to him these days. Saturday he called me and asked me to come see him. I was already in the area and said what the hell ... I'm over him ... I don't want his sorry ass back ... I can just go so see how he is. And I saw him. My heart didn't skip a beat or anything. I didn't feel bad about not being with him anymore. I'm truly over him. We initially chatted about trivial stuff and then we got down to it. We talked about the past and why things fell apart. He said he wasn't ready for me ... that he needed to be on his own ... have something to bring to the table ... in other words I was intimidating to him. Which I could understand ... I get that a lot from some men who aren't secure in their own skin. Then we started talking about how I felt ... how I internalized him leaving as my fault ... how it's hard for me to fully open up to another man ... how it felt to see his stuff gone. And I then realized that while I had been praying to God for a man, for my lifelong partner ... He wasn't going to give me the man I'm supposed to be with ... b/c I'm still healing from the hurt of my 'ex'. God knows how I feel about relationships and He knows I want a meaningful one and I wouldn't want to put my man in a situation to where I couldn't love him and show him I loved him 100%. The ending of my relationship with my 'ex' made me insecure about me ... made me second guess myself ... despite all the confidence I exude ... there is still a part of me that feels that I don't deserve 'true' love. For nights after my 'ex' left I cried myself to sleep ... I became heavily depressed ... I gained weight ... lost focus in school ... and was heavily in debt. My life was unraveling before me. Yet I gained control by not acknowledging the pain and hurt but by throwing myself into everything else in my life that needed to be fixed ... school, work, bills. I was dealing with everyone else's problems but my own. And even after he re-appeared after six months of being gone and him admitting it was him and not me ... I still blamed myself for the demise of the relationship to a certain degree. Then I saw him Saturday and I finally acknowledged to myself that I wasn't over the situation ... I wasn't over the hurt and the rejection I felt when he walked out on me ... it reminded me so much of my parents when they left me as a little girl. I felt so unwanted ... so unloved. And I never want to feel that again. To ensure that I don't experience that pain again I keep men at a distance from me ... I try not to fall too deep in my emotions and I pull back when I sense that I am.

It's so funny how I thought I had my shit together ... how I thought I was the one ready for a relationship and couldn't find someone who was ready for me. But the truth of the matter is ... I have internal issues that I need to resolve before I can commit to anyone. I would never WANT to hurt anybody ... but to protect myself I probably would. And I want to be able to love my man with no reservation ... just all of me. Until I get over the past and let my emotional wound heal ... I won't be able to do so. I still have some healing to do. And I don't know how long I'll have to leave the bandages on. I just pray that I make a full recovery ... once and for all.

IT IS Here!!!

**Jumping up and down like a kid**

It's here! It's here! The Weekend!!! Praise the Lord!

Ok, your girl is about to get straight stoopid this weekend! I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning and things are peachy. I am hitting the party scene this weekend fa sho! Lol. I have a full schedule this weekend and I am SO looking forward to it. My best friend from Chicago is in town for his son's 1st birthday party ... quite naturally it's not really a party for HIM ... but a party for the grown folks! I can't wait to see my best friend ... I haven't seen that dude in a minute! That's my dog! He's been there for me through some trying times ... and he always pulls me out of it (I love you, JR).

Speaking of friends ... I have to shout out my friend (and my future child's godfather), Alton. Dude, if words could begin to express how much you've helped me grow into the mature and beautiful woman that I am (had to plug myself ... lol). I know God put you in my life for the sole purpose of helping me strengthen myself. You are my ace and I got your muh'phuckin back at all times.

Ah! I can't wait for my day at work to be over so I can get prepared for my outing tonight. Your girl ain't even gotta do her hair ... you know, put some oil in it, slick it back and roll out! And I'm taking my homey's advice ... and putting on a skirt to show off my legs. Tomorrow, I'll show off the stomach and back. And Sunday I'll be at church praising the Lord ... cause He has been good to me ... then I'll be going to see my grandma (since she's been complaining lately that a nicca don't come see her as much).

This weekend is going to be the SHYT! Don't expect to hear from me until Monday!

P.S. I hope you guys enjoy your weekend events as well!

Goodbye Love

How many times can I say goodbye
Before I REALLY mean it?
I mean, I love you
But this isn’t going anywhere … and I’m ready for it to
I’m tired of waiting
My love for you is fading
I don’t want it to … I wanna keep it
But I’m a little discouraged and that’s no secret
I don’t know what else to do
Seems like I’ve tried it all
I’ve tried patience
I’ve tried being assertive
I’ve tried being passive
I’ve tried leading
I’ve tried following
But nothing has worked
So I think I’m gonna just stop trying altogether
I won’t continue to sit around
And wait for you to make up your mind
As to whether or not it’s ME you want
Or wait for you to finish playing the ‘dating’ game
I’m here NOW … I’m done playing that game
But you’re not
So I need to let you finish doing you
With no interruption from me
I’ve decided I’m REALLY leaving
And if you want me
Then I suggest you come get me
But I can’t guarantee I’ll be here
When you FINALLY decide you want ME
So my love I’m saying goodbye once again
Who knows? Maybe this is TRULY the end

My Weekend Experience

My weekend was nice. Well, kinda sorta. Ok, so, it wasn't ALL that! But it was eventful.

**Singing: It's Friday and I'm ready to swing ... pick up my girls and hit the party scene ...(Aaliyah's 1st single "Back and Forth")**

Ok, so I didn't go out with my girls but I did have a date. How did the date go you wonder? Hell, if I knew I would tell you. I cancelled ... lol. I know I ain't right but I was tired and didn't really feel like entertaining this 'consistent' (I say that 'cause he's not new) prospect. He's cool and even invited me to go to Puerto Rico with him (all expenses paid) but I just didn't feel like doing the small talk ... the "get to know you a little better" talk. So I asked if we could reschedule. And his ole sweet self said yeah ... and that in the meantime he would be thinking of some place to take me for Memorial Day b/c I have time off. Aww!! I know ... but I ain't feeling that either. lol.

**It's Saturday (I can't think of a song associated with Saturday)**

I wake up to some HEAVY and PAINFUL cramps so I lounged around the house for a minute. I got up and went to the hospital to visit my co-worker who just gave birth to her first baby. Aw ... the lil white baby was cute ... pretty eyes and a lot of hair. I was thrilled cause I love newborn babies. And being around her made me realize even more ... I want some damn children! lol.

Anyway, I left there and proceeded to Olive Garden to meet my grandma and aunt for lunch (for Mother's Day). Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Let me TELL you about them heffas ... they hooked me up with our server. That's right! These older women interrogated the man and based off of his answers they quickly suggested we exchange numbers and get to know each other. My grandma asked if he would like to take me out (while I'm holding my head down in embarassment) ... he said he would love to ... and we exchanged numbers. Now, ole boy is cute ... and caramel ... so I ain't mad at that. I'm mad at my grandmother trying to play matchmaker. But then again she's been pressuring me a lot lately about marriage and kids. Grandma, how I'ma do that with NO prospect in sight!!

After lunch I took my grandma shopping for her Mother's Day gift. And she enjoyed that.

I came home and started getting my mind right to go to the Mark with my girls. Then my cramps started hitting me harder. At first, I was like, I am a strong woman I can do this. And my cramps showed me just who the boss was. So, I opted out of going to the club ... to get my flirt on! I was very disappointed 'cause I need some new horses in my stable ... lol. But as always EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

My 'friend' ... fuck it ... my future 'husband' (lol ... that shit is funny) ... called me to check on me. We chatted and I told him I wasn't hanging out with my crew. He invited me to dinner with him and his son ... so I accepted and met them at the designated restaurant. As usual, we had a good time ... just easygoing fun! His son sat on one side of the booth ... coloring ... and rolling his eyes at me (lol ... not really ... I have to embellish for entertainment purposes) ... actually he was paying me NO attention ... I gets no love from him except when I'm LEAVING ... WTF?! We sat on the other side ... under each other as always. After dinner, I kissed him goodbye and kissed his son goodbye as well (against his wishes). I got in my car and left. Well, as I was driving I started thinking about how good I feel when I'm with him and how much I enjoy my time with him and his son. So, I called him to tell him ... he invited me over for a spell ... I wasn't sure how to interpret it ... so I didn't ... I just answered how I wanted to ... I said yes.

I went over to his place ... and walked right in ... cause I knew the door was unlocked and he was waiting on me! Y'all I love him ... I'm so comfortable with him! Ok ... back to the script ... I went to check on his son ... and he actually gave me a goodnight kiss (aw!). After that I laid on the couch with him (not the son ... the daddy), we blazed (I think I did), and we watched Comicview reruns. And as we were laying there he would place his hand under my top and rub my back or my waist. And when I tell you it felt so good ... believe me ... It did ... I LOVE his hands on me ... especially when he slicks my hair back ... I love him ... PERIOD! After a few hours I left and went home. He called to ask WHY I wasn't home yet ... lol ... I told him I stopped by McDonald's for an apple pie ... lol.

**Sunday ... Mother's Day**

Mother's Day was nice. My grandma was happy to see me. My family was there ... we grilled and acted a fool as usual. I love my family ... well my MOM's side anyway. I'll explain more about my dad's side when I have more time ... lol.

Overall, despite the few phone calls from Mr. Suffocation and the cramps, my weekend was fantastic!! It put things into more perspective for me. And I needed that!

Dr. Pepper Floats

My mom made the BEST Dr. Pepper floats. I remember when I was a lil girl she'd make me walk to the corner store for brownies, vanilla ice cream, and a 2 liter Dr. Pepper. I KNEW what was up?! That woman made the best floats and brownie a la mode. And as Mother's Day draws closer I'm reminded of how she made things in life so much better!

For those of you who KNOW me outside of the Blog world and those who regularly visit my spot, you know that my mother passed in 1997. It was the month after my 21st birthday and my first weekend home from college for Christmas Break. I left my house on Friday to spend the weekend with my boyfriend at the time. I remember before I left I played "A Song for Mama" for her. I remember I looked at her as she sat in front of the fireplace listening to the words. She was crying. She said she was happy ... that she didn't know I felt that way about her (we didn't have the best relationship). I told her I did. My boyfriend came to pick me up ... my mommy told me she loved me ... she waved bye to me from the door ... and we drove off. That was the last time I saw her alive.

For almost 8 years, I've hidden the hurt and pain of losing my mother to AIDS by diving into school, work, and other outlets. And I usually do pretty good ... but this year is different. So many things are going on in my life and I NEED my mommy. I have my grandmother who is my heart ... but there is NOTHING like having my MOMMY around. The sad thing is ... I look just like her (w/o the big boobies). Sometimes it's hard looking in the mirror b/c I see her in me. And the older I get the more I realize I'm so much like her ... beautiful, intelligent, witty and full of LOVE. I didn't tell her much when she was alive but I loved my mommy! She taught me how to play basketball. She taught me how to cook (I wasn't listening though). She taught me about sex and protecting myself. She taught about me God. I sometimes get so caught up in the fact that she wasn't around for much of my life ... or that she was on drugs ... or whatever ... that I don't realize the BEAUTY of her spirit. She was a wonderful woman who would do anything for anyone ... and she passed that trait to me. God how I miss her smile ... her laugh ... her cooking ... her letters of love.

And as I'm reminded of Mother's Day ... I'm reminded that my mommy isn't here to make me the best Dr. Pepper floats ever. I could actually use one right about now.

For those of you who are SO fortunate to have your mother still alive ... don't let the petty things hinder your ability to tell her how much she means to you. She may not ALWAYS be around. Trust me ... I know.

Is Vivian Green Right?

**Intro: Vivian singing - "Maybe I am foolishly in love with someone that is not exactly on the same page that I am on. Well all my friends keep telling me stop walking 'round so blindly. But when he calls they're not around to ever remind me. Maybe this isn't love, but if it isn't love then really what is love. Maybe I don't need to know whats really love. Cause when he's around he's got me feeling some kinda way**

Damn you, Vivian Green!! She said it the best way ... maybe this isn't love. Well maybe it isn't. And maybe it is. The only thing I'm sure of at this very moment is that I'm confused about my emotions for this man whom I've had an 'association' with for over 2 years. Should love REALLY be this hard?

I knew I loved him the FIRST time we met. I knew it then and I know it now. Yet, it's a bit different now. I'm not sure if I love him as much as I used to. And that's scary cause I love me some HIM!

He's a great person. Sweet. Funny. Great communicator. Wonderful father. Family person. He's a beautiful person. Don't get it twisted he has his share of 'issues'. And right now I'm trying to decipher if those issues are worth me accepting in order to be with him. He hasn't stepped to me on the 'let's be together' tip ... even after 2 years of association. We have never had a committed relationship ... just months of off and on dating habits. In between that he had relationships with others ... yet not me. And I'm supposed to be the 'IT' girl ... I guess I'm REALLY not. I question that a lot ... especially lately. I'm good enough to date but not good enough to be involved in a serious relationship with. It hurts.

And secretly, I've been kinda 'reserving' myself for him ... in hopes that one day he'll get his act together and make a REAL commitment to me. But my patience is starting to run thin and I'm starting to second guess if this is God's doing. And, unfortunately, I don't see it as clearly as I used to. I used to know w/o a doubt in my heart that he was MY ONE ... that my life was meant to be shared with him. But now I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm trying to force myself to believe something that's no longer there. Or if my 'fear' of not getting what I truly want is driving my emotions of perplexity.

I just recently came back to the world of reality and acknowledged to myself that I'm STILL very much single. I STILL have the option of finding someone who is ready to love me NOW ... ready to commit to me TODAY ... I know in my mind and my heart that I deserve a man who won't let me walk away ... won't let a good thing pass him by ... won't let anything keep him from being with me. I know that some things occur in life that hinder our ability to love and be loved. Unfortunately, I'm not there anymore. I WAS there ... but time and maturity have taught me that I can't live in the fear of not knowing ... I need to know that although it didn't work at least I TRIED.

I told him once and I'll say it again ... there is not a doubt in my mind that tells me he's going to lose me. And it's so unfortunate b/c there is so much love between us. Or maybe like Vivian said ... it isn't really love. And I'm afraid she may be right. 'Cause if it was TRULY love ... it wouldn't be this hard, right?

Stay tuned as the emotions turn ... lol.