Love

There is this song by Mary J. Blige that is playing in my head as I type this post. The song? "I'm In Love". The reason? 'Cause I am.

It's a different type of love though. I must say I'm a bit more patient and reserved with this love. I'm a little more forgiving with this love. I'm a little more committed to this love. I accept this love wholeheartedly ... flaws and all ... perfect imperfections. This love is gentle ... soothing ... peaceful ... tranquil ... and so damn good to me. I've never experienced anything more wonderful than this love. I could wrap myself up in it ... hell, I kinda already have. I used to question whether this love was real or if it was a facade created by me. Yet, the stability, the consistency, and the resilience of this love solidifies the reality ... it IS indeed REAL LOVE (yet another MJB song). I recognize the beauty and simplicity of it ... and I love it.

I Feel Pretty

**still singing**

Oh, so , pretty! lol.

Before I officially start my daily grind of 'do this' and 'do that', I thought I would take a moment to toot my own horn ... **beep beep** ... I look GOOD today.

Now, I'm an attractive woman so I look good on a consistent basis. But today I FEEL good and that makes me look even better!

Anyhoo ... that's all I had to say. I'll be back later ... I'm sure something will spark another entry.

Have a great day, good people!!

Who The Hell ...

said honesty was the best policy? WHO!! WHOEVER made this stupid statement needs to be shot in the damn head ... REPEATEDLY!

Why can't I just lie? It's so much more easier if I'M the one going crazy as opposed to hurting someone else by being HONEST. That is the worst feeling in the world ... when you are being honest, you know it's right ... but you also know you are hurting someone else's feelings.

Well, I am experiencing that right now. Less than 24 hours ago, I disclosed to Mr. Energetic that I could NOT give him what he wants ... time, attention, and a relationship. I was straight up. I have school going on ... I have buying a house going on ... I have so much going on in my life right now that I can't be hindered by a relationship. Especially one I don't really want. You see, Mr. Energetic started clinging to me for EVERYTHING ... even his outside entertainment ... which was cute at first ... but after a while I start losing focus on MY life and need to take time for me ... he didn't understand that. He couldn't comprehend how one day I could want a relationship and then another day say I can't do it. But I CAN'T. I can't have someone up under me so much ... dependent on me for SO many things. I'm not ready to be a mommy just yet.

And in all honesty, I'm not really ready to settle down. Yeah, I complain about NOT having a man but I really don't want a serious relationship right now. I just want to finish grad school and continue building my career. I don't want to slow down ... I don't want to be hindered by someone who isn't on the same path as me ... doesn't have the same drive and goals as me ... and requires too much of my time ... time I HAD for myself.

If honesty is indeed the best policy then that means I'm following the appropriate guidelines. I can't say that it doesn't hurt when I hurt others. But I would be hurting myself in the long run if I wasn't being honest with me.

'Bout Me

Hell, everybody else is doing it, why can't I?

Knowing is beautiful ... so here are a few unknowns about yours truly ...

1. I was born and raised in the Dirty South (GA)
2. I don't do men shorter than me
3. I've beaten at least 4 dudes in basketball
4. I like watching football
5. I usually fall asleep to SportsCenter
6. I have REALLY nice calves
7. I can't really cook
8. My favorite colors are: navy blue, yellow, pink, and white
9. My government name is actually Japanese and means tall and honorable
10. The sexiest thing on a man is his legs ... I love me some thighs
11. I think I'm fly
12. I'm pretty good at spades
13. I love taking shots of tequila
14. I'm gonna jump off a bridge if I have to write ONE more term paper
15. As a young girl, I wanted to be a gymnast
16. I want bigger boobies
17. I think I'm incredibly sexy
18. I know the ENTIRE skit of Martin Lawrence's 'You So Crazy'
19. I suffer from horrible migraines ... I sometimes have to get injections
20. I'm in love with MYSELF ('cause I'm so fly)
21. I want 3 kids ... 2 boys and 1 girl
22. I believe in God
23. My parents are deceased
24. I HATE the bitch that lives above me ... ole loud beotch
25. I get jealous when I see pregnant women
26. My favorite toy as a child was my easy bake oven
27. My favorite childhood character is Mickey Mouse
28. I'd rather wear nothing as opposed to wearing thongs or g-strings
29. Carmelo Anthony USED to be the love of my life (til he proposed to La-La)
30. I have a thing for 'pretty boys'
31. I'm only 5'5"
32. I enjoy running ... I ran 3 miles last week.
33. Did I mention I HATE the bitch that lives above me?
34. I smoke weed from time to time
35. I have multiple orgasms (yay)
36. I'm about to end this list so I can work on my (what) ... TERM PROJECT

Death By SUFFOCATION

Mr. Energetic has transformed himself into Mr. Suffocation!

Y'all pray for me or better yet come save me from this tragedy!

Ok, first and foremost, I like dude. He's cool as hell. But he is KILLING me slowly (Mr. Suffocation, remember) b/c he wants to see me everyday. And when we are unable to see each other he sounds so disappointed. And on top of that, he sometimes POUTS ... what GROWN ASS man pouts!?

It's driving me crazy b/c I didn't expect for things to turn out this way. Here I am on the cusp of graduating from GSU with a Master's degree, trying to buy a house, finishing up on my weight loss regimen, as well as an assortment of other things. I did not allocate a huge portion of my time to being spent with him. I know I said I could see him as my significant other but time ALWAYS tells the tale. And as of today, I don't see that happening. I don't see him as my dude. He requires too much time and attention ... and right now I don't have that to offer. Our conversations have been downgraded to a casual 'What's up' and 'What are you doing' instead of the conversations we had initially. Things have changed tremendously between us and right now I'm not sure I want to continue dating him.

One thing is for sure though ... he is SUFFOCATING the shit out of me ... I honestly believe he's trying to kill me!!

Thoughts?

How Do You KNOW?!

That is the question for the day: How do you know when you've found the ONE?

I've pondered this question so many times in my head ... so MANY! And while sometimes I KNOW who I'm supposed to be with I still question if God is right in his decision of making this guy my one. Or better yet, is it God who is making this decision or something/someone else.

There is a man who I love with all my heart ... I would do anything for him and his son. And my heart and my emotions tell me he's MY ONE ... yet I'm afraid b/c there are major drawbacks with the situation. For one, we've never been involved in a serious relationship. We've kicked it but never on an exclusive or committed level. Yet, the 'love' we shared/share is something I've never experienced before in my life. I've dated others and have been 'wowed' by other men but they can't fuck with him and the hold he has on my heart and soul. When I think of him, I don't see boyfriend ... I view him as my husband ... my other half ... father to my children ... love of my life ... my spiritual partner. Yet, I'm hesitant. No, there aren't options for us to be together right now ... but there will be one day. And I need to know for certain that he is the man God sent to me. Or is it my desire to love, be loved and find MY ONE that makes me feel as if HE IS THE ONE? I need to decipher between the two and find the truth.

Sunday Sunshine

I had a beautiful Sunday.

I'll elaborate later. But the day was gorgeous ... not just the weather ... but the events.

I'll tell you about it.

UPDATE: So, I told you I would tell you ... I'm owning up to my promise. I always loved Sundays but yesterday was especially special. I went to visit my grandmother who was in the hospital fighting an infection that could possibly pose as a problem for her heart. She was happy to see me ... and I her. We kicked it for a few hours but I had to leave early ... I had special plans for the evening. I didn't dress up for the occasion ... I wore some capris, a cute pink top, and some bad ass sandals. I drove the distance to Stone Mountain ... walked to the door ... and was greeted by a familiar face and love. 'HE' answered the door. Remember my post about not missing 'him' and then I happened to start missing 'him' one day? Well, I contacted 'him' last week, we chatted, and I went to visit him and his son for Sunday dinner. First of all, the man can cook his ASS off ... whoa! The food was good and the company was better. I thoroughly enjoyed myself but it was just dinner. No sparks, right? I wish I could say that ... but I can't. The butterflies are STILL there ... gosh I love Sundays.

Charleston, SC

When I met him I knew I wanted to get married in Charleston, South Carolina ... not only b/c that's where he's from but b/c there's a beach there.

I imagined my chocolate skin against an eggshell (notice I didn't say pure white) off the shoulder dress with an A-line cut ... a pretty yellow flower behind my ear ... my hair even shorter than it is now ... no shoes ... and a bouquet of flowers.

I imagined his beautifully tanned skin (cause I don't know what color it would be under the sun) against an eggshell suit ... with a hint of rust orange and yellow ... his head clean shaved ... no shoes.

I imagined something small and intimate on the beach ... my family and his ... a couple of close friends ... in chairs draped in white linen ... rust orange and yellow arrangements decorating the back of the chairs.

I imagined my younger brother or my favorite uncle walking me down the aisle. I imagined I would tear up as I saw him and his son (dressed like his dad) ... but would stifle my tears to keep from messing up my make-up. I imagined his eyes would pierce through my skin ... seeing the depths of my soul ... as he always had.

I imagined standing before him, God, the preacher, and our guests verbalizing with an exclamation point the love I'd had for him since day one ... the love I would continue to have for him ... for eternity. I know I would say something about marrying him and his son ... because they are a packaged deal ... can't have one without the other. I imagined him speaking his vows ... kissing my hands ... caressing my face ... catching the flower behind my ear before it blew away. I imagined him saying he waited all his life for this day ... and knowing that he meant it. I imagined the preacher saying: 'I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Such and Such'.

And I imagined our reception being a home cooked function ... crabs, lobsters, steak, chicken (cause I don't DO seafood), and other things. I imagined our first dance ... us holding each other as we moved to Luther Vandross' 'Love is So Amazing'.

I imagined living my life happily with him ... growing ... learning ... building ... and loving more each day.

My how that dream was so long ago. I wonder if the images will replay and become reality.

The One

Do I believe there actually is a "One"? Yeah, I do, wholeheartedly!!

However, I'm not sure if I've met MY One. Sure, I've had great guys in my life. But there was always something missing ... well not always.

I was involved with this Man at one point in my life who seemed to bring out the very best in me. I was patient. I was reserved. I was ladylike. I was nurturing. I was sensitive. I was being who I TRULY I was with this man. And it seemed PERFECT ... destined almost. We had similar family backgrounds and history. We were both college graduates. We were a young, beautiful and powerful couple ... I mean, honestly, couldn't nobody fuck with us. We were fly! Needless to say, before I could envision our future and plan our wedding ... the end showed up on my doorstep.

And it went a lil something like this ...

Him: I need to work on me before I can be with you.

Me: I don't understand. I mean, I understand. But I don't get it.

Him: I can't commit to 'us' right now and give you what you deserve ... a husband.

Me: Ok.

The End.

Or maybe the beginning? I'm not sure if he was MY One. 'Cause if he was MY One he would still be around, right?

It's Getting Late

Title of one of my favorite songs by Floetry.

Well, I'm up ... incredibly high off an entire pot of coffee. I refuse to go to bed until I have written my term paper so all I have to do tomorrow is edit it. However, I'm only on page 3 (it has to be no more than 10 pages) and I don't have the energy to make another pot of coffee. Plus, I want to go running in the morning ... so I may be calling it a night shortly.

My mind is running too wild with thoughts of 'other' things that it is almost impossible for me to concentrate on writing about black churches and George W. Bush's faith-based initiative. So, I'm taking a break to attack these thoughts head on.

I dislike 'chicks'. Why can't we get along? Why can't we be genuinely happy for the other when something positive happens? Why must we tear each other down with words and prayers of failure? I have a homegirl who I know in my heart hopes that I fail at my current relationship attempt. I know, right? What kind of shyt is that? But that's how I feel. And it's not paranoia ... it's an 'instinct' that I have and a mention from my current 'beau'. And that hurts. I thought this chick and I were cool as hell ... but apparently we aren't and never were. The gurl even told the dude negative stuff about me ... wtf?! I'm not the type to lose a friend over a guy so I addressed her to make sure there was no problem with me dating 'her' friend ... and after we talked it was resolved ... or so I thought. Since ole boy and I have been dating, she limits communication with me (and him for that matter) and doesn't invite me to go out with her and our other homegirl. Childish, right? If she had a problem with me and dude dating, she should have spoken up a month ago when we initially started dating. My only hope is that she squashes whatever 'beef' she has with us dating and accept it.

I dislike 'work'. I sometimes feel like a straight up 'slave' at my place of employment. Do this, do that ... bitch you do it. How 'bout that? I'm so tired of taking orders from a bitch who doesn't know half the shyt I know ... and even seeks my counsel on how to manage her employees. Somebody ... please tell me what the hell is going on? On top of that, the national director drip dries when she pees, doesn't wash her hands and has consecutively worn the same black velvet pants with flower embroidery for 12 days straight. AND she eats peanut butter STRAIGHT from the tube ... OMG. Ole nasty heffa ... and this is who the VP has chosen for me to report to?! I am offended by his choice of a successor for my previous boss who was the shyt.

I dislike 'pollen'. I JUST washed my car Saturday only to wake up Sunday morning with green crap on my car. On top of that, I can't even let my sunroof back to enjoy the 'fresh' air without feeling like crap by the time I get to my destination. I let my sunroof back twice over the weekend only to find myself popping Tylenol sinus / allergy medicine by the time I returned home. I HATE Atlanta. As soon as I graduate, the relocation project will be in full effect.

I dislike 'people from the past'. Yet, I continue to entertain these people. I SHOULD know better. They are a part of the past for a reason.

I dislike 'writing term papers'. I used to enjoy doing research but now I'm starting to get burned out from doing papers and presentations. Come on with the graduation already. Only 3 more classes to go. Pray for my sanity, please!

Anyway, I've exhausted enough time and cleared enough space in my mind to continue writing my term paper. Until the next go round.

Why

... are black women losing their butts to white women? What is the problem?

So, yesterday I'm in the gym doing squats. And I look over at this white chick doing squats as well during my break. And behold, her ass was bigger than mine ... all firm and shit. I was livid. And then I noticed all the black dudes checking 'her' out instead of me. Aw ... I was hurt. 'Cause she wasn't all that ... and I am fine as hell. I really got to thinking after this incident ... why are white women stealing our big asses? Is it something in the water? Is it a particular type of food? If so, someone please let me know where I can get BOTH of them from. Most 'white' systas have bigger asses than the black systas. What's up with THAT?!