My Big Ole Mouth

My mom used to tell me ... sometimes it's better to listen than to talk. Damn, I should have listened to THAT particular lecture. I've noticed that sometimes being direct and blunt about your emotions, your potential actions, and your motives can cause more harm to YOU than the other person. Does being honest really benefit you at all? I mean, true, you got your feelings off your chest. But was the overall goal achieved?

I recently disclosed some very truthful and vulnerable information to someone I care for. Instead of being the 'normal' me and shielding and protecting my true emotions I stepped out of my shell, told 'hurt' and 'embarassment' to go to hell, and proceeded to pour out my heart to this person. I don't know if I initially had an idea established regarding the effects the conversation would have on 'us' but I didn't think I would receive the response I did. And his response wasn't bad ... it's what he wrote afterwards that made me regret detailing and confessing my feelings for him to him. And what he wrote wasn't about me ... but about someone before me. After reading it, quite naturally, 'hurt' and 'embarassment' appeared shouting in both of my ears ... "Girl, I told you not to do it." During this argument, my mother's words came back ... sometimes it's better to listen than to talk. And I grasp the understanding I needed to 'officially' and 'finally' start moving forward.

No matter how many times I profess and verbally acknowledge my emotions for him ... he will NEVER come back to me b/c he NEVER wanted me to begin with. He never wanted to be with me. He always wanted another. And that's evident to me now more than ever. Like my mom said ... 'listen' ... I should have LISTENED to him ... I should have listened to his emotions for me ... they were vague, shallow, perplexing ... all of what he SAID to me I dismissed. "I don't want a relationship" he said ... but what he was saying was that he didn't want a relationship with me ... that if the 'right' woman came along (or came back) that he would want one then ... but not with me.

I really wish I would have LISTENED to him and heeded his warning to me. But I didn't. Now I have to mend my broken emotions over a dude who never wanted me. It's amazing the drama WE put ourselves through by not listening.