'Him'

After talking so much shit about how I didn't miss 'him', it hit me over the weekend ... I do indeed miss 'him'.

As I was walking around my apartment after a day of shopping with my grandmother, thoughts of 'him' clouded my mind. The memories hit me so hard I had to sit down on my couch and regroup. Usually on a Saturday afternoon or evening, we would be together doing something. On a typical Saturday, we would be out having dinner someplace ... me, 'him', and the kid. And some Saturdays it would be just me and 'him' acting crazy somewhere ... drinking and having a good time.

Towards the end (although we didn't know it was the end), we started venturing out more. Dinner parties ... watching football games together ... going shopping for Christmas presents ... just doing things out of our normal element. And sadly enough, I miss 'him'. I miss doing things with 'him'. 'He' became a major part of my life ... a very routine part of my activities.

Nevertheless, if I didn't miss 'him' before I certainly missed 'him' on that Saturday. I wonder if I'll ever miss 'him' again.

My Daddy Asked Me Out

So the other day, I'm in Whole Foods at the salad bar hooking me a lunch up. I step over to the 'hot food' counter and asked for a container to put my salad dressing in. As I turn back to the salad bar, an older gentleman approaches me. "Nice hair cut". I rubbed the back of my head and politely said 'thanks'. He introduced himself and I did the same. "Nice meeting you" he said and I responded with the same. He walked off and I proceeded to piece my salad together.

**Now the next part totally took me by surprise**

I'm putting the lid on my salad container and the guy approached me again. "Say, if you were dining would you eat Chinese or Italian?" Playing all dumb and shit I say, "Oh, Italian, for sure". Why did I say that? He said he knew of an upscale Italian restaurant and he would love to take me there. We exchange numbers and he says he'll call in a day or so.

**Fast forward to the office scene**

So I'm sitting in my office ... enjoying the treat of lettuce, tomatoes and other veggies on my salad ... when my cell vibrates on my desk. I don't know the number and I'm thinking it may be job potential. 'Hello' ... I answer in my professional voice. Who is it on the other line? The man from Whole Foods! Not even an hour after we met and he's calling me. I'm blowed ... so I say I'm busy at work but will call later.

**Fast forward 4 hours ... on the way to the gym**

On the way to L.A. Fitness, I pick up my cell and call him. We have a brief introductory conversation ... touching base on a variety of topics. He explains he owns a few businesses and imports South African art and would love to show me some pieces. I'm speechless. Then I changed gears ... 'So, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you'? All I can say is 'whoa'. He responds: "I'm 46"! Y'all my father would have been 46 in 2004 ... my father just hit on me in the grocery store, asked me out on a date, and here I am inquiring about his romantic life. Then it got worse. He tells me he was married for 15 years, been divorced for 5 and has 3 kids ... no doubt my age probably ... lol. He asked if it was too much for me to handle. I said no ... but I haven't called back since our first conversation.

I don't know what it is about MUCH older men that bothers me too much to date them. Granted they would 'cake' ... but I'm not looking for that ... materialistic shit doesn't appeal to me. I need something much more than that. And while I would probably be taken care of quite well ... the return bullshit would bother me. I couldn't handle dating a man who had kids my age ... cause I know how I would be if my father dated someone a lot younger than him. Nope. I cannot date my daddy ... I just can't! lol.

My Big Ole Mouth

My mom used to tell me ... sometimes it's better to listen than to talk. Damn, I should have listened to THAT particular lecture. I've noticed that sometimes being direct and blunt about your emotions, your potential actions, and your motives can cause more harm to YOU than the other person. Does being honest really benefit you at all? I mean, true, you got your feelings off your chest. But was the overall goal achieved?

I recently disclosed some very truthful and vulnerable information to someone I care for. Instead of being the 'normal' me and shielding and protecting my true emotions I stepped out of my shell, told 'hurt' and 'embarassment' to go to hell, and proceeded to pour out my heart to this person. I don't know if I initially had an idea established regarding the effects the conversation would have on 'us' but I didn't think I would receive the response I did. And his response wasn't bad ... it's what he wrote afterwards that made me regret detailing and confessing my feelings for him to him. And what he wrote wasn't about me ... but about someone before me. After reading it, quite naturally, 'hurt' and 'embarassment' appeared shouting in both of my ears ... "Girl, I told you not to do it." During this argument, my mother's words came back ... sometimes it's better to listen than to talk. And I grasp the understanding I needed to 'officially' and 'finally' start moving forward.

No matter how many times I profess and verbally acknowledge my emotions for him ... he will NEVER come back to me b/c he NEVER wanted me to begin with. He never wanted to be with me. He always wanted another. And that's evident to me now more than ever. Like my mom said ... 'listen' ... I should have LISTENED to him ... I should have listened to his emotions for me ... they were vague, shallow, perplexing ... all of what he SAID to me I dismissed. "I don't want a relationship" he said ... but what he was saying was that he didn't want a relationship with me ... that if the 'right' woman came along (or came back) that he would want one then ... but not with me.

I really wish I would have LISTENED to him and heeded his warning to me. But I didn't. Now I have to mend my broken emotions over a dude who never wanted me. It's amazing the drama WE put ourselves through by not listening.