Longing

I'm at a neutral point in my life. A point where I'm not worried about shit ... I'm just enjoying doing me. I thought the cold weather would inspire me to have 'Carrie' like (Sex and the City) tendencies and go out and 'find' a man but it hasn't. I'm ok with sleeping alone these days ... I can actually spread across the bed and snore w/o interruption. I thought I would long for the days when I would sleep next to a special someone ... waking up to him watching television beside me. I thought I would miss days of play fighting with him ... only to get slammed into the mattress by a dude who is the same height as me (he MAY be an inch taller than ... MAYBE). I figured I would long for the time we spent at Barnes and Noble just glancing at the new selection of novels and magazines. And I guess I figured that ALL of our experiences together were bad ... but reflecting on them ... they actually weren't ... I just made them seem that way.

I'm at a point in my life where I no longer seek the comfort of a man. What I long for is much deeper than that ... and it extends far beyond the boundaries of a relationship with a man. I'm longing for understanding of myself and my contribution to many of the mistakes I've made along my path to a successful relationship. I've come to realize that I'm not a victim ... I am very much a participant in the demise of many of my relationships. Yet, I've played the blame game with many of the men I've been involved with. Don't get me wrong ... they have contributed as well ... but ALL of the blame can't be placed on them. So, right now, I'm taking the time to understand and acknowledge that some of my actions and some of my words have sent many good men over the top. And for that, I am apologetic.