Cupid

Yo, Valentine's Day is right around the corner ... 3 weeks away to be exact. While many of my homegirls and co-workers are complaining about being single and not having anyone to spend the 'occasion' with ... I actually don't give a hell. If I have a date ... cool. If I don't ... cool. I'm still going to buy myself something shiny ... send myself some roses (peach ones) ... go get an hour long massage ... and take myself to a nice restaurant! Lol. Hell after all I've endured within the past few months ... I damn sure deserve it ... and if I don't have a dude to spend Valentine's Day with I will not let it spoil the beauty of the holiday!

Holla back for more!

My First Love

**Entry begins with the song "My First Love" by Avant and that Keke lady playing softly in the background**

I thought of my first love today. I was thinking about when we first met ... and how we met ... and how we fell in love ... and ultimately how we broke up. It's amazing that I experienced more love at the tender age of 15 than I do now. I guess then all of the insecurities and other 'detrimental to your self-esteem' factors had not yet settled in.

Initially, I was suppose to hook up with his best friend. My friend Seena and I went to a football game to meet up with Aric (the best friend). Aric and Corey (my first love) spotted us and we kicked it for a minute. Aric and I continued to speak on the phone but nothing more came out of it ... until the next football game. My best friend Toysha and I went to another football game ... and again Corey and Aric were there ... except Aric wasn't diggin me this time ... he was checking out Toysha ... and that didn't bother me one bit. Eventually, Toysha and Aric would start 'going together' ... and I figured best friends should date best friends ... so I sought Corey ... and that was the best decision I had made (considering I was ONLY 15 at the time).

Our first conversation was wonderful ... we talked about the most elementary things but we enjoyed it. From about 8 pm until 2 am we talked ... I remember I laid on the kitchen floor in my grandparents' house just conversing with him ... and I knew then that I loved him.

Nevertheless, we 'went together' for five years - off and on ... my high school relationship life was built around the love I had for him. And vice versa. Most guys in my hometown (Cartersville) were afraid to date me for fear that I would go back to Corey ... and they were right. I loved him. And I knew he loved me. Many chicks in Cartersville were intimidated by the love he had for me. Everyone knew about us. They knew of the bond we shared and how that bond could not be broken by anyone ... despite a short term relationship separation.

When we fell in love ... we actually 'fell'. Then I wasn't afraid of being hurt ... cause I had never felt relationship hurt. At the tender age of 15, I wasn't afraid of giving and receiving love ... I had never been in love before. Everything I experienced with him was pure ... untainted ... natural. We molded our young lives into each other. We seldom argued ... because the insecurities we would later develop had not surfaced yet. Our love was based on actual love. I was not yet conditioned by society to believe that my man had to have this and have that in order to be 'good enough' for me. I was conditioned to love a young man ... to extend my eyesight past his looks and into the depth of his soul, his spirit, and his heart. I loved every aspect of Corey ... and he loved me. It was the first and only time in my life that I experienced a healthy, unselfish and honest relationship. He treated me like a queen ... he showered me with love ... he shared his life with me ... he didn't let anyone (friends included) come between us ... he never lied to me ... he never cheated on me ... he never laid a hand on me (to hit me) ... he never made me feel less than perfect for him. All he ever did was love and support me ... no matter what the circumstance.

During one of the 'off' moments of our relationship, Corey began dating a woman who later became pregnant. He felt the need and desire to stay with her (and his unborn daughter) and did so. After a five year courtship, we went our separate ways ... he continued to develop his family and stayed in Cartersville ... I went off to college. Although we were finding love with other people, we never forgot about the love we shared.

Longing

I'm at a neutral point in my life. A point where I'm not worried about shit ... I'm just enjoying doing me. I thought the cold weather would inspire me to have 'Carrie' like (Sex and the City) tendencies and go out and 'find' a man but it hasn't. I'm ok with sleeping alone these days ... I can actually spread across the bed and snore w/o interruption. I thought I would long for the days when I would sleep next to a special someone ... waking up to him watching television beside me. I thought I would miss days of play fighting with him ... only to get slammed into the mattress by a dude who is the same height as me (he MAY be an inch taller than ... MAYBE). I figured I would long for the time we spent at Barnes and Noble just glancing at the new selection of novels and magazines. And I guess I figured that ALL of our experiences together were bad ... but reflecting on them ... they actually weren't ... I just made them seem that way.

I'm at a point in my life where I no longer seek the comfort of a man. What I long for is much deeper than that ... and it extends far beyond the boundaries of a relationship with a man. I'm longing for understanding of myself and my contribution to many of the mistakes I've made along my path to a successful relationship. I've come to realize that I'm not a victim ... I am very much a participant in the demise of many of my relationships. Yet, I've played the blame game with many of the men I've been involved with. Don't get me wrong ... they have contributed as well ... but ALL of the blame can't be placed on them. So, right now, I'm taking the time to understand and acknowledge that some of my actions and some of my words have sent many good men over the top. And for that, I am apologetic.

Untitled ...

I wish I could say I missed him
But I don't.
He consumed my emotions for so long.
He captured my heart and my soul.
Yet I don't regret the day I walked away from him.
I didn't cry when we said our final goodbye
For I knew the time to let go had come
At first I thought I would miss the things I'd grown to love about him.
His smile.
His scent.
Watching him tie his tie
Or play with his son.
Yet I've come to miss nothing.
Nothing from our immediate past could persuade me to return to that state of progressive deprivation.
I allowed a part of my soul to be corrupted and eroded with thoughts of "our" future together.
In actuality there was never a future to be written for us.
No future for us to live in stages of marital and parental bliss together.
Only a future withouth each other.
My desire to love and be loved blind sighted my realistic vision
Therefore my life was put on hold entertaining dreams of spending my life with a man who was never meant for me.
For he was a man who slept with other men ... and women as well.
I didn't want to become a statistic.
I didn't want to worry about which gender he could possibly cheat on me with.
I didn't want to acknowledge or confirm that the man I cared for was bisexual.
I didn't want to share my lover with a man
I didn't want to love like this.
And so I broke.
I could no longer ignore my fears and the ever present truth.
He was bisexual and he would never change.
He could never love me the way I needed to be loved.
And I could never accept a man who went both ways.
And my mind finally made a decision my heart couldn't.
I left ... refusing to return to confusion of that magnitude.
I don't regret the decision I made.
And I don't miss him
Although sometimes I wish I could say I did.

My Life ...

is peacefully blissful right now. I feel as if I'm back to my normal emotionally stable self. The outgoing personality that once was there then faded into the wind has re-surfaced and is ready for whatever. I've let the past be just that ... the past. I'm enjoying not worrying about the uncertainty of a potential relationship with someone who is completely wrong for me. My eyes are wide open and I have 20/10 vision capability. I finally realize my worth and understand my presence in this world. My classes have started, work is good, my friendships with my homegirls are strengthening and my workout regimen is back on track.

Aw ... everything is as it should be ... I am truly, truly blessed.

Black Men ...

Damn, I love y'all! No matter how many times I've been screwed over ... I cannot fathom giving up my love for black men! Strong, beautiful, sexy, smart ... ugh ... I love the very ground they (some of them) walk on. In 2005, I'm trying to do right ... and do me. But damn everytime I turn around I'm tempting by beautiful black men. The skin ... the smell ... the sex appeal ... the body ... all different but all equally beautiful. Locks ... braids ... short hair ... no hair ... damn I love all types of black men. Corporate men ... on the street hustling men ... NY men ... Southern men ... Midwest men ... men overseas ... all of y'all are so fine!

And I can't see my life without y'all ... no matter how tall the chips are stacked against my relationship future ... I have to have a black man standing by my side ... I'll have it no other way.

BUSTED!!

Ok ... first of all let me say ... DAMN, DAMN, DAMN JAMES!!

I dated a dude for a minute who introduced me to this blog madness. So, we're not dating anymore but I still peep his shit from time to time ... ok, fuck it, more like DAILY ... two and three times and shit. His blog is funny as hell at times and what he has to say interests me to some degree. So what?! Ugh! I should really kick myself for this shit.

Anyway ... Today I'm reading his latest entry cause his last 3 have been about me ... how I 'deaded' him and all this. Lol. Aight, so I check it about 3 times already for new material. On the fourth attempt, I read a comment someone left on his latest entry. Dude who commented was like 'Yeah, I saw you peeped my page through my meter'. So I was like, hold up ... ole boy has a meter too ... just for 'hits', right? He doesn't know I check his blog out, right? BUSTED!

I click the stupid meter link and there my shit is ... all bold and blue and hyperlinked! He knows I check his blog every 3 hours for new details on his life. He knows I'm still interested in his life. Dammit!! And what makes it worse ... he hasn't called me out on it ... like I can see him at his desk laughing hysterically b/c this chick who SWORE she was done with him even after he disrespected her on his respective blog is still checking him out. To keep from feeling terribly embarassed about the shit, I had to blog it and laugh at myself.

Sad thing is, even though he has the little meter shit and can monitor who views the Fishgrease Project, it's not going to stop me from reading his stuff for it truly is good material.

Busted ... just damn busted! I should be ashamed of myself!

Counting Your Blessings

As I sit and reflect on my previous entries (and entries from my other blog), I start to feel guilty for even attempting to complain about my life. Who am I to complain? (I’m sure you’ve asked the same thing about me)

I left for lunch today at 1:30. I walked the steep hill to my new car, I got it, put the car in drive and drove to Mellow Mushroom to pick up an order I placed. As I was driving off, I said ‘Thank you, God’. I was thanking Him for my ability to buy food … then it hit me … I should have been thanking Him for EVERYTHING I have.

So many times we get caught up in the drama of our lives. So many moments we complain and despair about the lacking aspects of our lives. So much of our time is spent on whining and wishing for more. When is what you already have enough?

I am truly and ENORMOUSLY blessed … and I shouldn’t be … I’m a heathen. I’m a woman who has, at one point, complained about EVERY aspect of her life. And for what? Individuals would kill for the life I have. I’m in graduate school. I have my independence. I have a family that loves me. I have great friends. I have a decent job. And yet, because I don’t have what I want just yet I dismiss all the other ‘goods’ and complain about that one ‘bad’ aspect of my life.

Sometimes I leave class at night in the bitter cold ... and even with a pea coat on the coolness shoots through my body. What about those people who don’t have a coat … period? I have a roof over my head. What about those individuals on Courtland Street sleeping in a parking lot on concrete? I have food in my pantry and fridge. What about the people who dig through the trash can near Georgia State University in search of scraps we’ve thrown away? I have a college education. What about people who don’t even have a high school diploma or GED due to circumstances beyond their control? And that’s just here! What about the millions of international children who’ve lost their lives from natural disaster, disease, and famine? What about the people dying as we speak of AIDS?

God has blessed me (and probably you too if you are able to read this) so much … yet I neglect to give thanks and praise to Him for those blessings. Instead, I slap Him in the face by complaining about things I don’t have, forfeiting the physical proof of the goodness in my life. While I’ve had some unfortunate things happen to me, my life is good … everything is as it should be according to God. And I’m going to let Him continue to lead me. And hopefully, He’ll continue to bless me as He always has.

God, thank You for my blessings. You could have given them to anyone but You gave them to me. And for that I praise You. Count your blessings, people ... you may not always have them!

Rebound

It’s been a while since my emotions have inspired me to write
It’s not as if nothing worth discussing hasn’t come across … I just needed time to formulate my thoughts right.

However, the moment of truth has finally come
Time to share the transformation my life has undergone.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how I exactly feel about the choices I’ve made.
I do know that actions had to be taken for my soul to be saved

For the last two years, I’ve picked at the huge scab on my heart
Prohibiting the long process of healing to even start

Instead, I nurtured the deeply rooted pain by throwing myself in three separate relationships
But what I should have done was medicate the pain myself

I now find myself doing what I should have done a while ago
I’m finally single and ready to allow the healing process to take control

G-Code and I finally called it quits
And the Long Island Freeloader … well he already wasn’t shit

Mr. Never-Should-Have-Been was just that
But all these situations are done … there’s no going back

Lately I’ve found myself crying tears of indescribable emotional pain
My feelings for Mr. G-Code are to blame

How I loved this man so much
But loving him and nothing else was never enough

I finally had to let go of something that was never going to be
A relationship that was a part of my dreams and not my reality

My emotions for the other two relationships have dissolved into my memory
I just wish I hadn’t given them so much of my time and my energy

So now here I stand
Not quite ready for another man

Taking time to recuperate from the hurt I’ve endured
Trying to get every aspect of my life on the same accord

I pray that God lights my path to emotional stability

Finally, I'm taking a break and some time for me.