Never Look Back

Letting go and moving on are two of the hardest things for me to do. But I've found the strength and courage to do so. As I sit here and type this entry, my eyes fill with tears because of the recent decisions I've made in my life. And I'm not sure if I'm crying because I'm sad or if I'm crying because I've reached a pivotal point in my life.

Walking away from a painful situation has never been my forte ... it has never been something I've been able to do and remain committed to my decision to 'stay away'. But with time and experience there comes a change.

For so long, I've given portions of my life to men who either didn't deserve it or who couldn't deal with it at the time. Despite their actions and words that further illustrated this, I continued to give of myself ... to give my love and my time. I wasted so many emotions and so much time on relationships that should have never happened or were never going to produce anything positive. But fear of being alone kept me firmly placed in these relationships ... and the confusion of emotions grasped my heart and refused to let me go holding me hostage. And then I broke through and released myself of the emotional prison I created.

This year has been bittersweet ... I experienced so much with 2 men. One was a boyfriend and I guess the other was a man who toyed with the idea of being with me and then declined.

They're both good men to some degree but one captured my heart a while ago and kept it until recently.

I'll always love him but I know we could have never been together the way I wanted ... there were too many uncertainties on my end that he never knew about. So, right before New Year's Day ... the year of 2005 ... we mutually agreed to call it quits ... to no longer torment ourselves and hinder each other's personal growth. Oh, how hard it was to let go ... I've cried before but never like this ... as if my heart was physically breaking into tiny microscopic pieces. And it wasn't us departing from our 'norm' that is hurting so much but it is realization that I am maturing and making better decisions for me and my future. I'll always section off a piece of my heart and dedicate it to the love I had for him ... but I won't look back ... no matter how much love I have for him ... I can't look back.

The ex? Well, his ass can go to hell, cause he wasn't shit anyway! But best of luck to his sorry Cocaine addicted ass!

In 2005, I am like Janet and I am in control of everything in my life that I can control. I just pray that this year is better than last ... and I have a feeling it will be as long as I never look back.