Dating Double Dutch

It has been more than six years since I've been involved with a man. 

It has been more than six years since I've dated a man.

It has been more than five years since ... well, you know. Since I've done THAT with a man.

Over the past few months, as I've continued to heal, grow, and work on myself, my therapist has really encouraged me to step into the light and start back dating. Trust me when I tell you that it is not something I have looked forward to doing -- for a number of reasons.

I'm divorced so I am a bit jaded from that relationship. And, of course, I am skeptical of men and their intentions.

I have kids now. They are my ultimate priority. No man will ever take a front seat to my boys.

I know myself a lot better now. So, I am not as likely to put up with the bullshit behavior I did years ago when I first met my now ex-husband.

Yet, now, there is the concept of online and social media dating. And there is something about using those methods to date that just doesn't sit well with me. When you're dating online, it is easy to create a life outside of real life that gives the impression that the real life doesn't even exist when it in actuality it does. Did you get that? 

And that is the scary part about dating online. But, I'm doing it, despite my angst. I am trying to use the things I've learned from therapy and The School of Hard Knocks to help me navigate this moment in my life. But, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it is SCARY. And I ain't no punk. But, damn. lol.

I don't know what will happen with my online dating adventures. I do know that I am trying to take it all in stride and not have any expectations. And that is a big change for me. To just go ... without a true destination. With all the trauma I experienced in the last few years, I believe I deserve this moment in my life.

Writing to Exhale

 Today is Mother's Day. And I am a mother.

A mother. Wow. Sometimes that title intimidates me. I am a mother -- responsible for the care and upbringing of two kids. What was Jesus thinking? lol. (kidding)

I'm so thankful for the title of "mom". But, there are times when I wish I didn't have it.

Motherhood is hard enough when there are two parents involved. But, it is super hard when you are doing it alone. 

After our divorce, my ex-husband, sperm donor for our kids, thought it was best for HIM to move back to his home state of Connecticut. It's not like Connecticut is a two hour drive away and I can meet up to drop the kids off for a weekend visit. Connecticut is at the top of the map, while Georgia is at the bottom. He didn't talk to me about the move. He didn't tell me he was doing it -- in case something happened to our kids. He just did it because, as always, he was (and still is) more important than our boys. So, since 2019, he has been living there offering no physical assistance or financial support while I have been living in Georgia handling every single aspect of our sons' lives.

Now, listen, I couldn't imagine still being married to him AND trying to raise whole, happy kids with him. I am thankful that we are no longer together. Frankly, we never should've gotten married in the first place. But, after our divorce, I thought he would shift his focus to taking care of the kids -- like he said he wanted to do. It didn't happen. So, that burden of responsibility has rested on my shoulders since 2018. And, trust me, I'm up for the task.

But, it is so hard.

There are times when I get angry and upset about the situation. I find myself in my feelings, lashing out at what my ex-husband left at my feet to clean up and handle (per usual). 

But, last week, someone quickly reminded me that I wanted the best for my kids and God gave them the best -- ME. Someone else reminded me that my boys are my gift. My therapist has said that being a mother is my calling. And maybe it is. Maybe God has this crazy faith in my ability to truly lean into Him so I can be the mother I need to be for these two little boys. I'm not sure what IT is, but I am doing IT for my sons.

Tuh. My sons. The most amazing beings I know. Strong. Resilient. Smart. Funny. Loving. I don't get it right everyday. But, having them was the BEST gift I've ever been given. 

So, Happy Mother's Day to me. I'm doing this motherhood thang with grace, humility, and a sprinkle of gangster. Life is good.

-- fin

To Be Continued ...

Well, well, well ... this is a familiar, yet unfamiliar site to behold. My blog. Emotional Rollercoaster.

It appears that I cannot escape the world of writing -- no many how many years separate one post from the next. Writing has always been my escape. Bearing my soul has always been my solace. But, for years, following the closure of my first blog and becoming a wife, I was forced into retirement and not supported in my endeavors to write about my life. I stopped doing what I loved because someone else didn't want to support me writing about the ups and downs of the life I was living at the time. I succumbed to the pressure because he was my husband and I wanted to respect his wishes. But, I should've advocated more fiercely for this piece of therapy that I so desperately needed.

For years, in my marriage, I struggled with depression. Then, the kids came and postpartum depression took over every aspect of my emotions and hormones. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't have control over me. And, for a Scorpio woman, it was hard to accept. At some point, I turned to God and allowed Him to take control over situations I didn't have control of. Funny how that happens. Anyway, after He took control, the healing began. A therapist entered into my life to help me start healing and growing. Another baby came to give me hope on God's promises for my life. Strength showed up on my door step and pushed me to legally request the divorce that I had been living for more than two years. Later, a lawyer was placed in my life to give me a fresh start on my finances. God gave me a chance to start over and do things His way instead of mine.

This blog was really and truly the last piece of the puzzle. As a mommy of two, it is hard to sit down and pull out my journal and hand write my thoughts. But, I need to get my feelings out -- without the judgment that often comes when you talk to others. So, I decided to blow the dust off Emotional Rollercoaster and start back writing because, frankly, there is a lot to be said. I mean, I'm a divorced mom now. There is a lot that comes with that -- dating, finding love again, raising two kids, the struggle of co-parenting, hanging with your friends again. So much stuff.

So, yeah, we are continuing this ride. And I so hope you come along for the adventure.

-- fin

Today Was A Good Day

Indeed it was.

It started off kinda shitty b/c my pissy ass boss came knocking on my office door only 5 minutes after I got into that joint. Typically if she knocks on the door BEFORE I've docked my laptop I pretend I'm not there ... lol. Sad I know ... but the beotch doesn't take hints or STATEMENTS seriously. Anyway ... after she interrupted my daily prayer I was not in the best of spirits. But the day progressed well.

I was busy as usual. The Supreme Court ruled against medical marijuana today and we were bombarded with media calls ... journalists wanting a statement from the organization. Needless to say, we were busy trying to locate the Chief Medical Officer to provide comment we could use. That was cool! We have a new guy on our team ... and I SWEAR I think he's popping Prozac. It took me a minute to warm up to him ... but he's cool ... I just get a weird feeling about him.

After work, I retreated to my escape from the 'world' (i.e. my apartment) and got dressed to hit the gym. The battery of my iPod needed charging ... so I put it on the charger for a hot second ... then rolled to L.A. Fitness for my evening run. I get on the treadmill and start running to the sounds of Jay-Z and Lil Jon. All of a sudden ... the music cuts off ... the damn battery died! Ugh! So I finished my mile ... IN SILENCE and drove home.

My homegirl called me Sunday morning to tell me her stepfather passed away from colon cancer. I felt bad for her mom b/c they had only been married for a few years. And Bill was like a dad to all of Rashida's friends ... myself included. He was cool! After Rashida told me of Bill's death ... I started thinking about my own life ... and how I've been complaining about this and about that. But God has been so good to me ... He has blessed me tremendously ... and sometimes I FAIL to realize how good I have it. I mean ... I truly have a wonderful life.

Saturday we went bowling to celebrate my younger cousin's birthday ... y'all my grandma was bowling ... it was beautiful. And as I was sitting there watching her bowl ... I started thinking about ALL the things she would have never experienced if it wasn't for my aunt and myself. She's 60 something years old ... and had never bowled prior to Saturday. It was beautiful. We take the little things in life for granted sometimes. We stress about our current situations ... neglecting to take inventory of what has yet to come. The best is yet to come. Beautiful things are in store for those who have faith in His power and goodwill. When you experience hurt, pain, and disappointment ... a blessing comes out of that. And maybe WE are the blessing ... our presence on this earth ... God allowing us to live another day.

I've been hurt and I'm hurting ... but I know that after the hurt has passed ... happiness and joy follow. I saw it Saturday ... and I saw it today. I've accepted who I am ... and no one is more beautiful than me. I love who am I ... who I've become. And I thank all the people who've hurt me along my path ... they only strengthened me ... gave me more character ... made me appreciate the little things.

It's A Wrap

I've emailed the link to my new home to all of you who have requested it. If you have not received an email from me, leave your info in the comments section and I'll hook you up.

It's been real here ... but it's about to get SERIOUS at my new joint. Take care y'all!

Systa Soul

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye has never been easy for me. I'd rather hold on for dear life and bear the hurt as long as that person or object was still there. Well I used to feel this way anyway. This week I've said goodbye or had the words goodbye said to me in some type of format. Do I feel bad? Actually ... I don't. For I know that some 'goodbyes' were for the best. It hurts to know that an individual who was a part of my life for so long is gone ... FOR GOOD. But it feels good to know that I can physically and emotionally move on to better things ... healthier people. So I'm cool and at peace with saying 'goodbye' ... it wasn't meant to be b/c if it was then it would have been.

This week I said goobye to my blog ... Emotional Rollercoaster. And I think that hurts the most! So many of you read my pain and probably felt the exact same emotions I projected in my blog. And for some reason your comments and words of encouragement have helped me to either see my own faults or accept the faults of others and move on. I hope that those of you who frequent Emotional Rollercoaster (well with the exception of one) will visit my new home and show me just as much love there as you've shown here.

As you venture to my new spot, bear with me ... I have to rebuild myself and heal all over again from my recent separation. But just know that once I'm healed and I've been re-born ... I will be a different and more assertive Systa Soul.

In the words of my godson ... HOLLA!!

No More Emotional Rollercoaster

Aight, I think I'm gonna discontinue 'The Emotional Rollercoaster' and 'move' to a different location. I'm only gonna let a select few know where my new home is ... shoot me an email (tlw212001@hotmail.com) and I'll let you know the location ... but it's a secret ... lol ... don't be telling everybody.

You can also leave your email address in the comments section and I'll respond accordingly. The countdown is NOW in effect ... Friday will be the last day of 'The Emotional Rollercoaster' ... get your ride on before it's over (that sounded so ... CORNY).

Shawty!!

Ok ... the weekend was nice!! Especially Friday.

I call myself going to The Compound Friday. Me and this chick got there around a time I thought would be good ... you know ... not a long line ... all that good crap. Well I was WRONG ... that muhfucka was wrapped around the corner! What?! Ok ... I was like hell n'all. But we stood in line ... it didn't take us long to get to the front. Before I knew it ... we were inside. And man! I had a ball. I was on the dance floor at least 3 out of the 4 hours we were there. I had a good ass time ... shaking my ass. And THEN they had the audacity to play 'Scrub the Ground' ... your girl went CRAZY! By the time I left the dance floor and ultimately the club my hair that was slicked back initially was in a big POOF!! lol. I was sorta kinda still cute though. Oh yeah, while I was there I ran into this guy I used to date a while ago. He was shocked when he saw me ... like oh, shit, you look good! WTF was I before, negro! He looked great as well ... his locks have gotten longer. We exchanged numbers and promised we'd link up ... he's cool ... I ain't looking for shit ... a free meal ... a top shelf margarita ... nothing permanent.

Saturday ... I was LAME ... lol. I slept a majority of the day. I woke up ... showered ... got dressed and went and met up with Saga and Diggs. Ok ... they are FUNNY to me. It was nice meeting y'all by the way. We linked up for a spell ... then we went our separate ways. I went home and went to sleep ... I was STILL tired.

Sunday ... I was determined to go SOMEWHERE despite the rain. So I set my sights on going to the ESPN Zone to watch the Heat kick the Pistons' ass. Needless to say the atmosphere was crazy! I was probably only 1 out of 3 people who were rooting for the Heat ... EVERYBODY else was going for Detroit! How happy I felt when we won ... shouts out to 'Flash'.

Monday ... I went to the gym ... I HATE going to the gym over off of Northlake Pkwy ... it's ALWAYS crowded ... but your girl got her workout on. Then I came home ... only to have a sore throat and a slight cough. Now a nucca is sick!! My days off from work are NOT meant to be spent like this!

Overall, the weekend was cool! I had fun ... I got out ... released some stress ... met some great peoples ... and relaxed. It was cool. It made me smile ...

Who Am I?

You know, I've been in such a funk lately that I've forgotten who the fuck I am?

First of all, let me explain something to you ... losing both of my parents and my sister have prepared me to endure any type of hurt. Nothing is worse than losing your entire family ... and for a minute I thought losing this 'dude' was. Hell no it ain't! God will send me the desire of my heart ... and the desire of my heart will NOT put me through ANY type of intentional pain. I am a strong woman and sometimes I fail to realize the TRUTH of my strength ... I've been through worse ... this ain't shit!

Who am I? I am a black woman worthy of some good ass loving ... but it has to start with me. Do I love myself? Without a muhfuckin' doubt! Have I been acking like it lately? Hell no. And I know why. I've been mad at myself. When I should have left well enough alone ... I didn't. I had to go back ... and what for? More hurt ... yup! lol. Seriously ... I'm being real with myself and with y'all. I went back to a destructive situation ... and destructive doesn't always equate to bad ... destructive meaning I KNOW the consequences ... I KNEW what was going to happen. I did it to myself! And for me that's why I'm pissed. He did nothing out of the ordinary ... he was being him ... all in his 'selfish' glory ... and he has every right to be who he is ... and do what he wants. I have to ACCEPT that ... and not be mad about it ... he can't help who he is ... and where he is in his life right now. But you know what? I don't have to deal with that shit ... I don't wait for ANYONE ... I refuse to wait until he gets finished poking his dick up in everybody for him to decide if he wants to settle down with me ... who wants that ... I don't want community dick ... I deserve and demand better ... and if he can't give it to me (not that he doesn't/didn't want to) then dammit I'm gonna get that good ass loving from someplace else.

It's not ME with the issue of uncertainty. I KNOW what I want ... he's still in the land of self-discovery ... I took my final and received my diploma ... hell, he's still in class. And b/c of this revelation ... I HAVE to let go and move the fuck on. And I ain't mad about that. We had some good ass times ... but all good things MUST and DO come to an end.

So who am I? I am a woman who KNOWS what she wants and KNOWS how to get it. For so long, I've put up with bullshit b/c I thought I HAD to. But true love is NOT like this ... it is certain ... it is safe ... it is comforting ... it is truthful. And I didn't have that ... and with him I probably won't ever have it. My dreams of being with him are over ... I WANT to move on and meet the man who will love me like no other ... who will love me just as much as I love myself. I have it going on ... the mere fact that I'm still breathing w/no addictions to alcohol or any drug is a testimony of the goodness of God. I am who am I ... I love who am I ... confrontational, dramatic, silly, loud, ghetto at times ... I love the woman I've grown to be. And NO ONE will EVER make me feel otherwise.

So who am I? I'm a bad muhfucka! And I refuse to think otherwise.

**Sigh**

I've come to the realization that I don't want a relationship anymore. I don't have the energy, the patience, or the desire to meet someone new ... get to know them ... let them get to me ... and all that other preliminary 'let's get to know each other' bullshit. I don't want to do that. I guess my past experiences have done a number on me ... and I'm not REALLY open to developing anything with anyone anymore. If a relationship happens to me, it will be by God's doing and not by my own. Right now ... I'm chillin' ... I'm tired of focusing on the relationship I don't have or what I thought me and 'Neo' had ... I'm just tired of the bullshit. I'm not fed up with love ... I'm just taking a pause in my life and enjoying the shit I have ... good friends, a decent job and all that other stuff. Don't get it twisted ... I'm still gonna date ... but I'm letting dudes know up front ... don't be expecting anything from this date ... I don't want a relationship and I'm not in the business of allowing people to know 'me' right now. Who knows what will happen? I'm tired of worrying about the possibility. I'm living for today.